Monday, April 11, 2016

The One Where I Question Normal

I have all 'the normals' husband, kids, dogs, house with a fence, community, siblings, Jesus. 

And I have all the 'other normals' not enough time, not enough sleep,! 

I started running 7 years ago and in the process began to learn about nutrition, fueling my body.  I'd researched becoming a Registered Dietitian multiple times but never thought I could do it.  I'm not smart enough and I don't read well enough and I can't do math or ya know science and well, this is a science degree and who goes back to college... wait who starts a (serious) college career in their 40's?  I didn't go. I made excuses. Because maybe I'm  #notenough 

And then tragedy hit. My dad committed suicide. A year ago. And I broke. Into a million pieces. And 'normal' became facing the giants, the past, the monsters in the closet I thought dad had dealt with, but hadn't. #addiction #alcoholism #mentalillness #unresolvedgrief #brokenrelationships #brokenness  

So #thanksdad 

I numbed out. But because I have kids to raise I couldn't drink myself into a frenzy or rather into a safer more numb place (like dad) 

I stuffed/numbed instead by eating Costco size bags of peanut M&Ms until my family thought I might have a problem...especially when they'd ask 'what's for dinner' and I say 'I have 5 M&M's left. My family actually looked forward to dinner, kinda expected it, but the thought of caring for other humans was overwhelming. I spent about 6 months numb.  Sitting on the couch, binge watching Netflix, stuck. On the plus side, I'm caught up on all the shows I'd never watched. 

And then it hit me.... After my village of runner girls and church girls and Instagram girls and therapy and piles and piles of books and if gatherings and anxiety meds (to help me get out of bed and stop eating M&Ms and also come to the real conclusion that's I've had an anxiety disorder all my life) 

This, this current life is the #newnormal which is not normal at all and that's okay. 

And as long as life is this short and eternity is an eternity away I should follow my passion and get off the couch, stop eating M&Ms and take a college entrance exam. 

Yea. So I'm currently in college, year one. It'll be years before I'm an intern and sit for my exam. And that's okay; because yesterday I heard a missionary speak at church about nutrition 'in the field' and helping mommas with HIV and their kids to learn about eating well with what they have and my heart leapt out of my chest #because Jesus and food (and coffee)! I can do that!  Like, for real! 

And by the time I have my license to practice dietary therapy maybe I'll be able to face my fear of... oh wait fear(s) of heights, fear of flying, fear of flying over large (or small) bodies of water that are most likely shark infested, so fear of sharks, ya know 'the normal stuff'.

#thanksdad for taking me to see Jaws as a child! 

All of this is written due to an Instagram post by If:Gathering visionary Jennie Allen. (Gush)

And on April 28th I may skip class to attend If:Dallas. And my heart is about to explode over it because IF is a life changer y'all. 

And I follow (read stalk and pretend to be BFF) with the If ladies on Insta and Twitter and Jeannie posted this Facebook link and so I'm here. Albeit late to the party, but I arrived in my PJs, coffee I hand. Ya know, #normal 😊