Wednesday, November 2, 2016

The One Where I Do Some Housekeeping and {I. Just. Can't. Even}

Well, well, well... once again I have neglected my blog(s).  Yea that has an "s" on the end.  

Although The Nester passed the torch last year, and oh, it's not October.  I do plan on picking a topic and writing about it in November.   Topic to be chosen and revealed soon.

Onto I Just Can't Even.

I just can't even believe it's November 2016.  Last year was so.... so.... hard.  If hard is even a word for it.  It was like the passage in Ephesian about the full armor, the term Shod.  Part of the greek for that word is deo, metaphorically speaking means to prevent one from standing upright.   That's what 2015 was.

And not here it is November.  Time has passed.  I decided in June that there was no more weeping. Yes, I was sad and I would have periods of sadness.  However, the inability to stand upright was over. To signify the shift, I got a tattoo! First not as bad as I thought it would be.  I had a great experience.  I met a friend there, she helped me to be brave.   She was going through a rough time and I was looking forward with hope.   You can see the tattoo here.

Soon after that summer turns into fall, school begins and my birthday month begins!  This year it hit me hard.  Last year I was in shock and the pain was more.than.I.could.bare.   This year I was just sad.  It's as though I expected to hear from my dad.  The phone didn't ring.  There was no card.  There was no joking about my age and if I were older, then so was he.  Just sadness.

For the first time in a long time, most of my family gathered.  My sweet people, my brother and his girlfriend, my BFF from forever, a few cousins, and one of my study partners.  Make your own pizza and devour cookies!  Because birthdays are for birthday cookies!  So. Yum!
Lots of laughter, and love, and togetherness.  It was so needed.

The following Sunday, on my way to church (and the day before my birthday) driving next to me, is a Prime Truck.  #ThanksDad  He didn't call, he drove up right next to me.  Well, in spirit.   And I. Just. Can't. Even.

Monday, April 11, 2016

The One Where I Question Normal

I have all 'the normals' husband, kids, dogs, house with a fence, community, siblings, Jesus. 

And I have all the 'other normals' not enough time, not enough sleep,! 

I started running 7 years ago and in the process began to learn about nutrition, fueling my body.  I'd researched becoming a Registered Dietitian multiple times but never thought I could do it.  I'm not smart enough and I don't read well enough and I can't do math or ya know science and well, this is a science degree and who goes back to college... wait who starts a (serious) college career in their 40's?  I didn't go. I made excuses. Because maybe I'm  #notenough 

And then tragedy hit. My dad committed suicide. A year ago. And I broke. Into a million pieces. And 'normal' became facing the giants, the past, the monsters in the closet I thought dad had dealt with, but hadn't. #addiction #alcoholism #mentalillness #unresolvedgrief #brokenrelationships #brokenness  

So #thanksdad 

I numbed out. But because I have kids to raise I couldn't drink myself into a frenzy or rather into a safer more numb place (like dad) 

I stuffed/numbed instead by eating Costco size bags of peanut M&Ms until my family thought I might have a problem...especially when they'd ask 'what's for dinner' and I say 'I have 5 M&M's left. My family actually looked forward to dinner, kinda expected it, but the thought of caring for other humans was overwhelming. I spent about 6 months numb.  Sitting on the couch, binge watching Netflix, stuck. On the plus side, I'm caught up on all the shows I'd never watched. 

And then it hit me.... After my village of runner girls and church girls and Instagram girls and therapy and piles and piles of books and if gatherings and anxiety meds (to help me get out of bed and stop eating M&Ms and also come to the real conclusion that's I've had an anxiety disorder all my life) 

This, this current life is the #newnormal which is not normal at all and that's okay. 

And as long as life is this short and eternity is an eternity away I should follow my passion and get off the couch, stop eating M&Ms and take a college entrance exam. 

Yea. So I'm currently in college, year one. It'll be years before I'm an intern and sit for my exam. And that's okay; because yesterday I heard a missionary speak at church about nutrition 'in the field' and helping mommas with HIV and their kids to learn about eating well with what they have and my heart leapt out of my chest #because Jesus and food (and coffee)! I can do that!  Like, for real! 

And by the time I have my license to practice dietary therapy maybe I'll be able to face my fear of... oh wait fear(s) of heights, fear of flying, fear of flying over large (or small) bodies of water that are most likely shark infested, so fear of sharks, ya know 'the normal stuff'.

#thanksdad for taking me to see Jaws as a child! 

All of this is written due to an Instagram post by If:Gathering visionary Jennie Allen. (Gush)

And on April 28th I may skip class to attend If:Dallas. And my heart is about to explode over it because IF is a life changer y'all. 

And I follow (read stalk and pretend to be BFF) with the If ladies on Insta and Twitter and Jeannie posted this Facebook link and so I'm here. Albeit late to the party, but I arrived in my PJs, coffee I hand. Ya know, #normal 😊