Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The One Where I'm Surrounded.

Lately I've had conversions that are laced with tears and anxiety. Fear and worry.  But a new thing has happened.....

I'm part of a community that surrounds me with Truth, a soft place to land, encouragement for the journey, an ear, a shoulder to cry on, space to fall apart and people who don't recoil about it. 

I've had more than one person tell me I've inspired them. To keep going, don't give up. That they believe in me when I don't believe in myself.... Or anything.

Some of these people I've known for years, some for a few years, others only on line. 

This blog post from Amanda at SheReadsTruth really helped me to see I'm not alone and I've been trying my hardest to 'hold it together'.  This life, these kids, this marriage, this job, these chores, piles of laundry and dishes and things undone. 

I am undone and I'm finding out that undone is okay, I'm not holding it together. :)  

There at people and texts and phone calls and emails and meetings for coffee that tell me I don't have to hold it together. And it's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be in community. Sometimes that means surrounding others and other times it means being surrounded. 

Thankful I'm surrounded today. :) 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

The One Where I'm Barely Holding On

I don't know where to begin. And I'm not sure where the beginning would be anyway.....

Stress Fracture. 

Stress. A mental strain or disruption. Emotional pressure suffered by a human being. 

Fracture. The act of breaking. Something that has broken. 

A stress fracture. I have a stress fracture in one of the smallest bones of the body. Yet in one of the most important places.  

You don't think about your big toe, the function it serves, the stability it gives you until it's gone. 

But it's smaller than that. These two bones called the sesamoids. They are basically the patella of the toe. A bone imbedded in the tendon.  They act like a pulley, providing a smooth surface for the tendons to glide over. They help the big toe move and provide stability when you 'push off' during running (or walking).  They are flat, disc/egg shaped about the size of a popcorn kernel. 

Yet when they don't work properly. It feels like you're walking on a popcorn kernel!! 

I love popcorn... This, not so much. 

I've been in the boot for 6 weeks. Had a follow up X-ray yesterday.  There's some healing. So there's that.  (Forces a smile) 

But it's not enough to get out of the boot or be active again. Or keep me from plumetting into a lower and lower depression and sense of hopelessness. 

Four more weeks in the boot and then another X-ray and then talk of surgery. I can't run again until there's no pain. If there's pain, stop and rest more and contemplate surgery. 

This is week one of four more weeks in the boot. 😞 

I have cried for 24 hours straight. I'm a blubbering depressed mess. 

Some may say... It's only running. What's the big deal. You'll run again someday. Be pateint. Keep your chin up.  Meh. 

Running keeps me sane. My world is usually on the cusp of spinning out of control at any moment. Running helps me get away. Shake it all off. Handle things better. I'm a better person because of running.  Running became my life partner five years ago.  Now it feels like running has moved away.

At first it was as if running went on a business trip, an interview in a new city. Now it feels like I've waved goodbye to a good friend pulling out of the drivenway.  

I don't have to stress out about life with running by my side.  Now what's left is life and stress and the stress of life with no relief. 

And I'm barely holding on. I'm barely getting through the day. One day down. Twenty-seven to go until I know if running is ever coming home. 

I assure you, I will never again pray to learn how to Be Still and Know.  Never. Ever. Again.  I don't want to be still. And this isn't the kind of still I had in mind.  For the record, I don't find this humorous.  Although I'm sure God is getting a good laugh. 

And Know.... And know what exactly? That life is one series of disappointments after another.... A lesson I'm becoming more familiar with every day. Every.Damn.Day. 

All that's left now is Disruption and Something that is Broken.