I had lofty goals for 2016. I dove in deep into #SOULutions. As 2015 came to an end I was very much in a #byefelicia mood. Goodbye. Good riddance. So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Good Night.
Twenty-sixteen began with tears. I though that when the clocked ticked over that it would be magic. The a fairy godmother would wave her wand and twenty-fifteen would have just been a bad dream, I would be going to the ball with the handsome prince and life would be different. Better. Less Shocking. Something else.
It was something else indeed. The clock struck twelve oh one and I broke down. This was the first moment of my life that I had to face a new year without a parent. I didn't think it would hit me like that. So painful. So tragic. So sorrowful. Such a blow. It wasn't over. The shock was over and the sorrow snuck in, right under the glow of the New Years Eve ball drop. Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, Tears.
There were lots of tears and sorrow in twenty-sixteen. There was also lots of laughs and enjoyable moments and surprising days and beautiful new memories.
A new semester began with my study girls in the same classes!! YAY! They breathe life into these old bones, this dried out brain.
We joined Planet Fitness about the same time The Adhesive began working at a local fast food joint. We worked out faithfully. I kept running long distance and well it's no surprise that I became injured. Being at the gym was helpful in my rehabilitation. I started C25K again in March.
The semester ended and summer began! Yay! I signed up for a summer class. An Art class I need to meet my degree requirements. It was a surprising and enjoyable class. I spent a day at the Museum with my guys. Such a wonderful day.
Because I missed running the Rock N Roll Marathon Series in New Orleans due to my injury we deferred those funds and travel plans to go on a proper vacation. We went to the Grand Canyon. There are no words to describe it. Awe Inspiring isn't enough. The colors, the depth, the beauty, the views, the vistas, the cliffs, the history. It took my breath away. While we were there I was fortunate enough to meet up with a friend from the past, way back. She was like my other mother. She was my best friends mother. I grew up across the street from her. She is one of my fondest memories from childhood. It was such a joy to catch up with her.
I finished up the summer semester and had a few weeks off before The Adhesives sophomore year began and my next semester as well. The Adhesive began new medication and due to his lack of motivation to obtain his drivers license he rides the bus to and from school.
It wasn't until September that it hit me. There had been sad times in during the year, moments that hurt my heart. And for how crazy it sounds, I cried on my birthday because my dad didn't call me. #thanksdad #ijustcanteven
The sorrow continued throughout the remainder of the year. My husband and I attended Re|Engage, it was helpful, but overwhelming. It was sorta in the middle of that I realized it was too much for me. And that I'm an introvert, like, seriously. It was a good class but it was too loud and too many people and too raw. I thought I could get a tattoo and call my grief over. Re|Engage brought back a lot of memories and questions.
Running really helped me to get through these times, this year. My runner girls kept me going, listened to me, hugged me tight through the tears, logged the miles with me.
I was chosen to be in the Mentor Program at Collin College in October. It has been such a wonderful opportunity. My mentor has helped me realize my potential and, well mentored me. I ran a 5K with my niece in October. It was so fun I really enjoyed spending time with her. She's a beautiful and bright young lady. October also brought with it normal. Normal. For the first time since before dad died we had a Family Day, although everyone wasn't available, it was fun! My family, my brother and his girlfriend, The Rents we went to the pumpkin patch, took pictures, laughed.so.hard, went on the hay ride, ate hot dogs and pumpkin fudge. Such an outstanding day!
The next weekend I ran with my BFF at White Rock Lake. It was her goal to Loop The Lake on her birthday! And we made it!! All the way around! So proud of her!!
In November The Adhesive approached a milestone, he turned 16. How did we get here? I spent the day with my sister and The Adhesive spent the day with his friends playing AirSoft. Back to normal. Normal, I need more of it. We made plans to get together for Thanksgiving and we all showed up! All the siblings, spouses and kids! Normal. We laughed so hard, we took pictures, we ate good food.
My guys left from there to go out of town and I spent the weekend doing homework in silence. So.Needed! Musical season has begun! I met my sister at fair park for Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.
The first Friday of December I had a tour and admissions appointment with Texas Women's University. Oh. Em. Gee! This is becoming a reality. Y'all I could live in the library! I wonder if they allow such a thing? Maybe I could be the first! :)
My sister and I attended the next musical Christmas Extravaganza. It was so fun! Afterwards, we met up at my brothers house for Normal. Our sibling Christmas day. All the siblings, spouses and kids. Yummy food and lots of laughs, hugs, and joy, real joy, beautiful memories and normal.
A year that began sorrow ended in joy.
Psalm 30: 5b Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
You may not know how long the night will last, but you are always promised morning. Morning will always come.
I wrote out my #SOULultions for 2016
Embrace GraceEngage Gratitude
Be Available
Believe the best (of myself and others)
Break Free from worn out cycles
Daily Connections
Do hard things
Let Go of the outcome
Learn to be vulnerable
Live authentically
Give of myself
Grow stronger
I did some of this well, consistently. Others, not so much. Progress. Making progress is the goal every year. I took two or three steps forward, and only one or two back.
2017.... #SOULutions
Top Three: Embrace Imperfect. Eight classes and 3.25 or above GPA. Run 850 miles.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
The One Where I Choose A Word 2017 edition
Although I've continued to choose a word or a phrase to focus my thoughts on during the year, like making a resolution, I haven't updated the word or my thoughts in subsequent years.
2014 - Trust
2014 - Trust
2015- Progress (not perfection)
2016 - Hope and Worth
On an odd day in December as I read The Greatest Gift and listened to Pandora a familiar favorite, what I consider to be a comfort song. Hope Now by Addison Road played.
If everything comes down to love
2016 - Hope and Worth
On an odd day in December as I read The Greatest Gift and listened to Pandora a familiar favorite, what I consider to be a comfort song. Hope Now by Addison Road played.
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising water all I want is the shore
You say I'll be okay
You say I'll be okay
And make it through the rain
You are, my shelter from the storm
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
You are, my shelter from the storm
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
You've become my heart's desire
I will sing your praises higher
I will sing your praises higher
Cause your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
I needed that comfort on that odd day. It was the salve for wounds that still require healing, scabbed over places not exactly closed. In that moment, there was hope. Hope now. And it's true, everything rides on it.
Day 19 of The Greatest Gift has some poignant words that got right to the point, to the heart of the matter of the things that matter.
"We lose every single person we love. There is never another way. Think about that too long and you find it hard to breathe.... Fear is always this wild flee ahead.
Olives fail. People fail. Dreams fail. You feel like you fail. A thousand things mount. Somedays it's hard not to panic. You can feel it - we are driven by the fear of failure. For all our frenzied running around, could it be that we are actually fleeing - trying to escape all the fears? All this pain? All this failure? We all live in these lives of quiet terror. Of soundless, hidden grief. You could just bow your head in the quiet and weep for all that isn't. For all that you aren't.
In the barrenness of winter, Habakkuk offers this gift to always carry close: rejoicing in the Lord happens while we still struggle in the now. Struggling and rejoicing are not two chronological steps, one following the other, but two concurrent movements, one fluid with the other." (Chapter 19, Page 188-189, Ann Voskamp)
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
I needed that comfort on that odd day. It was the salve for wounds that still require healing, scabbed over places not exactly closed. In that moment, there was hope. Hope now. And it's true, everything rides on it.
Day 19 of The Greatest Gift has some poignant words that got right to the point, to the heart of the matter of the things that matter.
"We lose every single person we love. There is never another way. Think about that too long and you find it hard to breathe.... Fear is always this wild flee ahead.
Olives fail. People fail. Dreams fail. You feel like you fail. A thousand things mount. Somedays it's hard not to panic. You can feel it - we are driven by the fear of failure. For all our frenzied running around, could it be that we are actually fleeing - trying to escape all the fears? All this pain? All this failure? We all live in these lives of quiet terror. Of soundless, hidden grief. You could just bow your head in the quiet and weep for all that isn't. For all that you aren't.
In the barrenness of winter, Habakkuk offers this gift to always carry close: rejoicing in the Lord happens while we still struggle in the now. Struggling and rejoicing are not two chronological steps, one following the other, but two concurrent movements, one fluid with the other." (Chapter 19, Page 188-189, Ann Voskamp)
and hope now plays in the background, if I listen closely, it has always played in the background of my life.
There is hope, now. Hope in the now, in the present, for the future, for this life.
There is hope, now. Hope in the now, in the present, for the future, for this life.
HOPE. A desire of some good, accompanied with at least a slight expectation of obtaining it, or a belief that it is obtainable. Hope differs from a wish and desire in this, that it implies some expectation of obtaining the good desired or the possibility of possessing it. Hope therefore always gives pleasure or joy; whereas wish and desire may produce or be accompanied with pain and anxiety.
Worth or Worthy
A few friends and I are reading Savor by Shauna Niequist. It's a 365 devotional type book with recipes. Recipes, Y'all!! The type of recipes I refer to as "food of love". Anyway, it begins with an entry January 1st; this paragraph jumped off the page at me.
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of the super and the natural."
Worth. Know it. Know your worth. Your desirability, excellence, importance, the weight of your intrinsic value, worthiness.
WORTH. Value, that quality of a thing (a person) which renders it useful or which will produce an equivalent good in some other thing (or person). Excellence. Dignity. Value.
Worth or Worthy
A few friends and I are reading Savor by Shauna Niequist. It's a 365 devotional type book with recipes. Recipes, Y'all!! The type of recipes I refer to as "food of love". Anyway, it begins with an entry January 1st; this paragraph jumped off the page at me.
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of the super and the natural."
Worth. Know it. Know your worth. Your desirability, excellence, importance, the weight of your intrinsic value, worthiness.
WORTH. Value, that quality of a thing (a person) which renders it useful or which will produce an equivalent good in some other thing (or person). Excellence. Dignity. Value.
Monday, January 9, 2017
The One Where I Learn Who I Am
Until recently I couldn't remember where I'd heard it. Read it. Learned about it. But the memory of it remains. Jen Hatmaker wrote about finally finding her vibe, who she is, how she functions in a world of loud and people. She says she felt "diagnosed" for the first time in her life after reading Susan Cains Quiet. The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. I would tend to agree with this analysis about myself and I can see how it applies to Jen Hatmaker.
I was raised with an extrovert parent, to be an extroverted person. To enjoy group activities, dislike solitude, prefer large (and loud) parties, enjoy talking (on the phone, in person, in crowds, to people), to be busy all.the.time, to multitask... things of this nature.
However, I actually prefer small settings. I experience sensory overload. I dislike large crowds, by large I mean more than 10 people. I particularly dislike large crowds in small spaces. I have anxiety about being in crowded public places. People, noisy environments, loudness, crunching sounds (like ice, chips, popcorn, gum popping, slurping) can send me over the edge.
I purchased Susan Cain's book after reading Jen Hatmakers For The Love (Chapter 17 is her introvert epiphany). I am determined to read it this month...er..re-read it...I mean finish reading it.
Some tidbits that enabled me to turn away from the loud and chatty to embracing the introspective are:
Introverts recharge their batteries by being alone. CHECK Introverts dislike small talk. CHECK A typical introvert would rather spend their vacation reading on the beach than on a cruise ship. CHECK Introverts prefer environments that are not overstimulating. CHECK
All of this made sense to me and I began embracing who I am. An Introvert.
In knowing this I have resolved this year to be who I am. In the words of Gretchen Rubin, who states in her book The Happiness Project to Be Gretchen. I resolve to Be Shelly. Live by the rules of being Shelly.
I'll update with where I am in the book this month (or however long it takes me to read it.)
I was raised with an extrovert parent, to be an extroverted person. To enjoy group activities, dislike solitude, prefer large (and loud) parties, enjoy talking (on the phone, in person, in crowds, to people), to be busy all.the.time, to multitask... things of this nature.
However, I actually prefer small settings. I experience sensory overload. I dislike large crowds, by large I mean more than 10 people. I particularly dislike large crowds in small spaces. I have anxiety about being in crowded public places. People, noisy environments, loudness, crunching sounds (like ice, chips, popcorn, gum popping, slurping) can send me over the edge.
I purchased Susan Cain's book after reading Jen Hatmakers For The Love (Chapter 17 is her introvert epiphany). I am determined to read it this month...er..re-read it...I mean finish reading it.
Some tidbits that enabled me to turn away from the loud and chatty to embracing the introspective are:
Introverts recharge their batteries by being alone. CHECK Introverts dislike small talk. CHECK A typical introvert would rather spend their vacation reading on the beach than on a cruise ship. CHECK Introverts prefer environments that are not overstimulating. CHECK
All of this made sense to me and I began embracing who I am. An Introvert.
In knowing this I have resolved this year to be who I am. In the words of Gretchen Rubin, who states in her book The Happiness Project to Be Gretchen. I resolve to Be Shelly. Live by the rules of being Shelly.
I'll update with where I am in the book this month (or however long it takes me to read it.)
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
The One Where I Do Some Housekeeping and {I. Just. Can't. Even}
Well, well, well... once again I have neglected my blog(s). Yea that has an "s" on the end.
Although The Nester passed the torch last year, and oh, it's not October. I do plan on picking a topic and writing about it in November. Topic to be chosen and revealed soon.
Onto I Just Can't Even.
I just can't even believe it's November 2016. Last year was so.... so.... hard. If hard is even a word for it. It was like the passage in Ephesian about the full armor, the term Shod. Part of the greek for that word is deo, metaphorically speaking means to prevent one from standing upright. That's what 2015 was.
And not here it is November. Time has passed. I decided in June that there was no more weeping. Yes, I was sad and I would have periods of sadness. However, the inability to stand upright was over. To signify the shift, I got a tattoo! First not as bad as I thought it would be. I had a great experience. I met a friend there, she helped me to be brave. She was going through a rough time and I was looking forward with hope. You can see the tattoo here.
Soon after that summer turns into fall, school begins and my birthday month begins! This year it hit me hard. Last year I was in shock and the pain was more.than.I.could.bare. This year I was just sad. It's as though I expected to hear from my dad. The phone didn't ring. There was no card. There was no joking about my age and if I were older, then so was he. Just sadness.
For the first time in a long time, most of my family gathered. My sweet people, my brother and his girlfriend, my BFF from forever, a few cousins, and one of my study partners. Make your own pizza and devour cookies! Because birthdays are for birthday cookies! So. Yum!
Lots of laughter, and love, and togetherness. It was so needed.
The following Sunday, on my way to church (and the day before my birthday) driving next to me, is a Prime Truck. #ThanksDad He didn't call, he drove up right next to me. Well, in spirit. And I. Just. Can't. Even.
Although The Nester passed the torch last year, and oh, it's not October. I do plan on picking a topic and writing about it in November. Topic to be chosen and revealed soon.
Onto I Just Can't Even.
I just can't even believe it's November 2016. Last year was so.... so.... hard. If hard is even a word for it. It was like the passage in Ephesian about the full armor, the term Shod. Part of the greek for that word is deo, metaphorically speaking means to prevent one from standing upright. That's what 2015 was.
And not here it is November. Time has passed. I decided in June that there was no more weeping. Yes, I was sad and I would have periods of sadness. However, the inability to stand upright was over. To signify the shift, I got a tattoo! First not as bad as I thought it would be. I had a great experience. I met a friend there, she helped me to be brave. She was going through a rough time and I was looking forward with hope. You can see the tattoo here.
Soon after that summer turns into fall, school begins and my birthday month begins! This year it hit me hard. Last year I was in shock and the pain was more.than.I.could.bare. This year I was just sad. It's as though I expected to hear from my dad. The phone didn't ring. There was no card. There was no joking about my age and if I were older, then so was he. Just sadness.
For the first time in a long time, most of my family gathered. My sweet people, my brother and his girlfriend, my BFF from forever, a few cousins, and one of my study partners. Make your own pizza and devour cookies! Because birthdays are for birthday cookies! So. Yum!
Lots of laughter, and love, and togetherness. It was so needed.
The following Sunday, on my way to church (and the day before my birthday) driving next to me, is a Prime Truck. #ThanksDad He didn't call, he drove up right next to me. Well, in spirit. And I. Just. Can't. Even.
Monday, April 11, 2016
The One Where I Question Normal
I have all 'the normals' husband, kids, dogs, house with a fence, community, siblings, Jesus.
And I have all the 'other normals' not enough time, not enough sleep, not.enough.coffee!
I started running 7 years ago and in the process began to learn about nutrition, fueling my body. I'd researched becoming a Registered Dietitian multiple times but never thought I could do it. I'm not smart enough and I don't read well enough and I can't do math or ya know science and well, this is a science degree and who goes back to college... wait back...no who starts a (serious) college career in their 40's? I didn't go. I made excuses. Because maybe I'm #notenough
And then tragedy hit. My dad committed suicide. A year ago. And I broke. Into a million pieces. And 'normal' became facing the giants, the past, the monsters in the closet I thought dad had dealt with, but hadn't. #addiction #alcoholism #mentalillness #unresolvedgrief #brokenrelationships #brokenness
So #thanksdad
I numbed out. But because I have kids to raise I couldn't drink myself into a frenzy or rather into a safer more numb place (like dad)
I stuffed/numbed instead by eating Costco size bags of peanut M&Ms until my family thought I might have a problem...especially when they'd ask 'what's for dinner' and I say 'I have 5 M&M's left. My family actually looked forward to dinner, kinda expected it, but the thought of caring for other humans was overwhelming. I spent about 6 months numb. Sitting on the couch, binge watching Netflix, stuck. On the plus side, I'm caught up on all the shows I'd never watched.
And then it hit me.... After my village of runner girls and church girls and Instagram girls and therapy and piles and piles of books and if gatherings and anxiety meds (to help me get out of bed and stop eating M&Ms and also come to the real conclusion that's I've had an anxiety disorder all my life)
This, this current life is the #newnormal which is not normal at all and that's okay.
And as long as life is this short and eternity is an eternity away I should follow my passion and get off the couch, stop eating M&Ms and take a college entrance exam.
Yea. So I'm currently in college, year one. It'll be years before I'm an intern and sit for my exam. And that's okay; because yesterday I heard a missionary speak at church about nutrition 'in the field' and helping mommas with HIV and their kids to learn about eating well with what they have and my heart leapt out of my chest #because Jesus and food (and coffee)! I can do that! Like, for real!
And by the time I have my license to practice dietary therapy maybe I'll be able to face my fear of... oh wait fear(s) of heights, fear of flying, fear of flying over large (or small) bodies of water that are most likely shark infested, so fear of sharks, ya know 'the normal stuff'.
#thanksdad for taking me to see Jaws as a child!
All of this is written due to an Instagram post by If:Gathering visionary Jennie Allen. (Gush)
And on April 28th I may skip class to attend If:Dallas. And my heart is about to explode over it because IF is a life changer y'all.
And I follow (read stalk and pretend to be BFF) with the If ladies on Insta and Twitter and Jeannie posted this Facebook link and so I'm here. Albeit late to the party, but I arrived in my PJs, coffee I hand. Ya know, #normal 😊
Sunday, December 20, 2015
The One Where {I. Just. Can't. Even}
And shots ring out when they shouldn't. And hearts ache when they shouldn't. And Wounds. Gape. Open and the past oozes out as if fresh and new. It grabs us by the throat until there is no more sound, until life is gone and hope fades
And it is harrowing and it hurts And. It. Should. Not. Be. Like. This.
And there is no hope coming to save us... to save him
And there is no peace for the weary, the worn out, the rung out....
There is no hope for those cornered.
And as the flicker of the candle fades, there is no dawn coming. There is only darkness, there is only hiding, there is only fear.
And God cries out Where Are You? To those who's finding is urgent, for those who are hiding, wrestling, wandering
And no matter where you are or what you are hiding, covering, concealing, carrying. The Finder is always coming.
The Seeking, The Savior is still coming to Seek and Save. In this and for this hear and now. Especially in this, especially for this, especially because of this. For those hiding, hurting, hoping.
The people who walk in darkness will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine... Isaiah 9:2
A light will shine.
A light.
The light.
There is hope. A hope. Wait for it. Wait for Him.
He Is Always Coming.
This is dedicated to my dad who I miss every day.
And it is harrowing and it hurts And. It. Should. Not. Be. Like. This.
And there is no hope coming to save us... to save him
And there is no peace for the weary, the worn out, the rung out....
There is no hope for those cornered.
And as the flicker of the candle fades, there is no dawn coming. There is only darkness, there is only hiding, there is only fear.
And God cries out Where Are You? To those who's finding is urgent, for those who are hiding, wrestling, wandering
And no matter where you are or what you are hiding, covering, concealing, carrying. The Finder is always coming.
The Seeking, The Savior is still coming to Seek and Save. In this and for this hear and now. Especially in this, especially for this, especially because of this. For those hiding, hurting, hoping.
The people who walk in darkness will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine... Isaiah 9:2
A light will shine.
A light.
The light.
There is hope. A hope. Wait for it. Wait for Him.
He Is Always Coming.
This is dedicated to my dad who I miss every day.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
The One Where I Quit Facebook
Yea For Real! That. Just. Happened!
I just quit.
I go through seasons where I Facebook is a distraction for me and I pair down my friends and pages I follow. But this time, it's something different.
There has been a lot of change in my life this year. 2015 in someways can hurry on by yet move in slow motion at the same time. It has come with it's fair (way more than fair) share of bad news and tragedy. I'm ready for a peaceful nights sleep and days that stretch into tomorrow without turmoil.
I realize some of the turmoil for me is Facebook. Because #people. Yea, people get on my nerves. Some days I can handle it. Others I'm melting down like the wicked witch of the west.
What A World!
What A World!
What A World!
Such an occurrence reared it's ugly head last Friday. Someone tweaked me the wrong way and I lost it. Just.Lost.It over something trivial. And isn't it all trivial?
So I decided then and there I was done. D O N E Done with Facebook. There was one reason I was continuing with this time suck and that season had run it's course in my life. I'm turning a page.
Literally, as I'm enrolled in two college courses this semester and quite frankly it's kicking my butt. My daily schedule has been moved around. I have my nose to the grind. I run in the afternoon. I study until it's time to go to bed. I need less distraction and more time.
Deactivate. Done.
I feel so free!! I am not chained to news or silly videos or political debates. I go about my day screen-less! It's amazing!
If I want news, Twitter is the place to go. If I want to keep up with blogs, I go directly to my favorite ones, Pinterest for all things recipes, Instagram for a mental break from algebra!
At first I thought I'd do it for a month, then I thought until the end of the year, then I thought, oh, I'll just get back on and only have my family members so we can keep in touch, but there's the invention of the phone and email, I see no reason for the time suck and distraction.
I think I'm done for the long haul. Who else has quit or thought about it?
I just quit.
I go through seasons where I Facebook is a distraction for me and I pair down my friends and pages I follow. But this time, it's something different.
There has been a lot of change in my life this year. 2015 in someways can hurry on by yet move in slow motion at the same time. It has come with it's fair (way more than fair) share of bad news and tragedy. I'm ready for a peaceful nights sleep and days that stretch into tomorrow without turmoil.
I realize some of the turmoil for me is Facebook. Because #people. Yea, people get on my nerves. Some days I can handle it. Others I'm melting down like the wicked witch of the west.
What A World!
What A World!
What A World!
Such an occurrence reared it's ugly head last Friday. Someone tweaked me the wrong way and I lost it. Just.Lost.It over something trivial. And isn't it all trivial?
So I decided then and there I was done. D O N E Done with Facebook. There was one reason I was continuing with this time suck and that season had run it's course in my life. I'm turning a page.
Literally, as I'm enrolled in two college courses this semester and quite frankly it's kicking my butt. My daily schedule has been moved around. I have my nose to the grind. I run in the afternoon. I study until it's time to go to bed. I need less distraction and more time.
Deactivate. Done.
I feel so free!! I am not chained to news or silly videos or political debates. I go about my day screen-less! It's amazing!
If I want news, Twitter is the place to go. If I want to keep up with blogs, I go directly to my favorite ones, Pinterest for all things recipes, Instagram for a mental break from algebra!
At first I thought I'd do it for a month, then I thought until the end of the year, then I thought, oh, I'll just get back on and only have my family members so we can keep in touch, but there's the invention of the phone and email, I see no reason for the time suck and distraction.
I think I'm done for the long haul. Who else has quit or thought about it?
Thursday, April 9, 2015
The One Where I.Can't.Even - A Series
So, it's been awhile since I blogged. Since I made my declaration about blogging more and setting up goals a lot has happened. Well just one thing that has brought down the house... so to speak.
I'd decided to go to bed early Friday, March 20th. I just needed to rest. I was so tired in fact that I didn't plug my phone in or turn it on Do Not Disturb. The phone rang at 11:04pm, I was disoriented so I didn't at first realize what it was.
I woke up, looked at my phone, it was my brother, and he'd left a voice mail. I didn't listen to the voice mail.... who does that these days? I just called him back. I got his voice mail. I text him. No reply. But he doesn't have an iPhone he's with Sprint and unable to receive texts if he's on the phone.
I listened to the message. First he's mad that he can't get either of his siblings on the phone at 11PM, then he says it, the words that have changed our lives.... Dad Is Dead.
And I cry out Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Over and over and knelt down on the side of my bed, unconsolable....
I call my brother back and speak with him. He doesn't have many details, only what our cousin relayed to him about the "scene"
I get in touch with Mike and here's what we know. Dad's apartment had flooded a few months back from the upstairs apt., the complex had scheduled him to move into another apartment so they could renovate his. A co-worker called around 3:30 to say they were on the way to help him move. When they got there, dad didn't answer. After several attempts to contact dad, they left and decided to come back later. Dad works second shift, although he shouldn't have been asleep, maybe they thought he was asleep.
A few hours later they called his boss (and nephew) who went over to the apartment, they called, knocked on the door, knocked on the windows, yelled for him. No answer. They called the manager for a well check. Couldn't get them, so they called the police. The police arrived around 7:00 PM; after a few minutes came out and said he'd passed away.
My dad lives two states over. Saturday my sister and I made plans to head to Mississippi to handle the funeral arrangements and dad's estate. My brother, brother in law, husband and kids would follow later in the week.
That's how it began.... the story unfolding.... the web of lies..... the hole in my heart.... the sorrow..... the pieces fitting together.... the confusion..... the shame...... the burden carried for so long......
The drive to Mississippi was surreal. My sister and I laughed and cried and sang and ate junk food and reminisced about the past and wondered what happened to dad. It has been years since we'd had an sisters road trip. It was fun in an odd way.
We arrived at our Aunts house, to a full meal... at 10:30, a full meal! Not left overs. A meal! That's just how this family is. Food in important, especially at a time like this.
And they told us the news. What happened. And I.Can't.Even.
I'd decided to go to bed early Friday, March 20th. I just needed to rest. I was so tired in fact that I didn't plug my phone in or turn it on Do Not Disturb. The phone rang at 11:04pm, I was disoriented so I didn't at first realize what it was.
I woke up, looked at my phone, it was my brother, and he'd left a voice mail. I didn't listen to the voice mail.... who does that these days? I just called him back. I got his voice mail. I text him. No reply. But he doesn't have an iPhone he's with Sprint and unable to receive texts if he's on the phone.
I listened to the message. First he's mad that he can't get either of his siblings on the phone at 11PM, then he says it, the words that have changed our lives.... Dad Is Dead.
And I cry out Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Over and over and knelt down on the side of my bed, unconsolable....
I call my brother back and speak with him. He doesn't have many details, only what our cousin relayed to him about the "scene"
I get in touch with Mike and here's what we know. Dad's apartment had flooded a few months back from the upstairs apt., the complex had scheduled him to move into another apartment so they could renovate his. A co-worker called around 3:30 to say they were on the way to help him move. When they got there, dad didn't answer. After several attempts to contact dad, they left and decided to come back later. Dad works second shift, although he shouldn't have been asleep, maybe they thought he was asleep.
A few hours later they called his boss (and nephew) who went over to the apartment, they called, knocked on the door, knocked on the windows, yelled for him. No answer. They called the manager for a well check. Couldn't get them, so they called the police. The police arrived around 7:00 PM; after a few minutes came out and said he'd passed away.
My dad lives two states over. Saturday my sister and I made plans to head to Mississippi to handle the funeral arrangements and dad's estate. My brother, brother in law, husband and kids would follow later in the week.
That's how it began.... the story unfolding.... the web of lies..... the hole in my heart.... the sorrow..... the pieces fitting together.... the confusion..... the shame...... the burden carried for so long......
The drive to Mississippi was surreal. My sister and I laughed and cried and sang and ate junk food and reminisced about the past and wondered what happened to dad. It has been years since we'd had an sisters road trip. It was fun in an odd way.
We arrived at our Aunts house, to a full meal... at 10:30, a full meal! Not left overs. A meal! That's just how this family is. Food in important, especially at a time like this.
And they told us the news. What happened. And I.Can't.Even.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
The One Where I Review
Maybe it's too early to look back on 2015? I'm feeling rusty and it's only March 17! Oh yea. St. Patricks Day! Ooops I'm not wearing green.
Although I wear it often enough. Green with envy. Like why can't I write like that, be funny like that, have a blog like that, be "that church lady" the one who seems to float on clouds and is kind to everyone she meets, be "that kind" of parent instead of #thatmom, have that kind of marriage, run a better race, figuratively and literally.
Instead I hobble along.... I have goals, lofty goals, maybe too many goals. Perhaps it's more than I can realistically complete. Now that I've left my job, perhaps I'll have better success at the "high-ness" of what I'd like to achieve.
In the book Goodbye Survival Mode, one I highly recommend, she encouraged you to look at the categories of your life and make goals based on those. As well as time goals.
I'm pretty sure I didn't blog about my oneword for 2015. But it's Progress (not Perfection). I need to strive for progress because there's no road to perfection that doesn't leave me battered and worn.
Basic Goals:
Read More
Run More
Date More
Blog More
Breaking that down:
Read More: The Bible In A Year, SRT Devotionals, 1 30-day book per month, 12 books
Run More: I'm on a team #HeySisterSoleSisters for the Run The Edge Challenge to run 2015 in 2015. I've also decided not to race this year, but to get healthy and run better. The Challenge keeps me focused without spending money on racing and really I'm just not that into it. My Milage goal is 800 miles this year. That's roughly 67 miles per month.
Date More: I'm not single so I don't mean "dating" but Dating Consistently. Monthly date nights with my man. One on one time with each of my kids. Family Day with my siblings. Meet my friends for coffee. Hang out after runs. Connect with the world around me.
Blog More: The only way to blog more is to Blog More. It's not like I'm looking to make a career out of my thoughts, although that thought sounds nice. It's that I need to talk about my kids, my family, my life. I don't scrap book and I've never done well with keeping baby books filled out. I journal, a lot, well I used to. But now that I'm in that purging state of life... what I like to refer to as Clear The Clutter, Find A Life Worth Living.... so those boxes of journals in the attic need to go!
There's only one thing left, Blog.
So how I am doing? Well, I'm making progress.
Reading. Weeeellll, I'm not exactly on Day XX in my bible in a year, but I've made it past Genesis! I've read one 30-day book thus far. I read SRT and occasionally participate in the forum. I've read at least two books this year and three more books are in "process".
Run: Making Progress. Not as much as I would like but Mother Nature hates me. More accurately I dislike Old Man Winter. Winter in Texas can be hit or miss. Mild weather or ice, sleet, and snow. This year was ice, sleet, snow and bitter cold (for Texas). And I just won't go out in it. I.Just.Won't.
138 miles for the year. Not where I'd like to be, but there's progress and Spring is coming!
Dating: Meh. One Date Night, One Girls Night Out, Two Family Days, One Coffee Date, A few Hang Outs. I'm making progress!
Blogs: Shrug. There is room for improvement. Lots of room. This is my third blog this month! My goal is 1 per week, per subject. The One Where I... #iamTHATmom and Five Minute Friday
Which also brings me to less clutter. I've been going through closets and boxes. I'm purging around here. I've made a lot of progress. Things tossed, given away and shredded. I literally have shredded paperwork from nearly 20 years ago! Seriously, things have needed to be gone through and discarded. I've taken multiple lawn and leaf bags to the recycle bins. Progress for sure!
There's still more to do. Clear more clutter. Let go of more things that are holding us down. Shredding to be done. Books to be read. Miles to be run. Dates to remember. :)
Progress. I like it. :)
Although I wear it often enough. Green with envy. Like why can't I write like that, be funny like that, have a blog like that, be "that church lady" the one who seems to float on clouds and is kind to everyone she meets, be "that kind" of parent instead of #thatmom, have that kind of marriage, run a better race, figuratively and literally.
Instead I hobble along.... I have goals, lofty goals, maybe too many goals. Perhaps it's more than I can realistically complete. Now that I've left my job, perhaps I'll have better success at the "high-ness" of what I'd like to achieve.
In the book Goodbye Survival Mode, one I highly recommend, she encouraged you to look at the categories of your life and make goals based on those. As well as time goals.
I'm pretty sure I didn't blog about my oneword for 2015. But it's Progress (not Perfection). I need to strive for progress because there's no road to perfection that doesn't leave me battered and worn.
Basic Goals:
Read More
Run More
Date More
Blog More
Breaking that down:
Read More: The Bible In A Year, SRT Devotionals, 1 30-day book per month, 12 books
Run More: I'm on a team #HeySisterSoleSisters for the Run The Edge Challenge to run 2015 in 2015. I've also decided not to race this year, but to get healthy and run better. The Challenge keeps me focused without spending money on racing and really I'm just not that into it. My Milage goal is 800 miles this year. That's roughly 67 miles per month.
Date More: I'm not single so I don't mean "dating" but Dating Consistently. Monthly date nights with my man. One on one time with each of my kids. Family Day with my siblings. Meet my friends for coffee. Hang out after runs. Connect with the world around me.
Blog More: The only way to blog more is to Blog More. It's not like I'm looking to make a career out of my thoughts, although that thought sounds nice. It's that I need to talk about my kids, my family, my life. I don't scrap book and I've never done well with keeping baby books filled out. I journal, a lot, well I used to. But now that I'm in that purging state of life... what I like to refer to as Clear The Clutter, Find A Life Worth Living.... so those boxes of journals in the attic need to go!
There's only one thing left, Blog.
So how I am doing? Well, I'm making progress.
Reading. Weeeellll, I'm not exactly on Day XX in my bible in a year, but I've made it past Genesis! I've read one 30-day book thus far. I read SRT and occasionally participate in the forum. I've read at least two books this year and three more books are in "process".
Run: Making Progress. Not as much as I would like but Mother Nature hates me. More accurately I dislike Old Man Winter. Winter in Texas can be hit or miss. Mild weather or ice, sleet, and snow. This year was ice, sleet, snow and bitter cold (for Texas). And I just won't go out in it. I.Just.Won't.
138 miles for the year. Not where I'd like to be, but there's progress and Spring is coming!
Dating: Meh. One Date Night, One Girls Night Out, Two Family Days, One Coffee Date, A few Hang Outs. I'm making progress!
Blogs: Shrug. There is room for improvement. Lots of room. This is my third blog this month! My goal is 1 per week, per subject. The One Where I... #iamTHATmom and Five Minute Friday
Which also brings me to less clutter. I've been going through closets and boxes. I'm purging around here. I've made a lot of progress. Things tossed, given away and shredded. I literally have shredded paperwork from nearly 20 years ago! Seriously, things have needed to be gone through and discarded. I've taken multiple lawn and leaf bags to the recycle bins. Progress for sure!
There's still more to do. Clear more clutter. Let go of more things that are holding us down. Shredding to be done. Books to be read. Miles to be run. Dates to remember. :)
Progress. I like it. :)
Monday, March 16, 2015
I Am That Mom - Dating
In this age of social media and text messages and immaturity life can be painful, not only for the kids but for the parents.
Here's a brief history of this school year. The kiddo started off the year with the same girlfriend (Girl 1) he'd had over the summer... when I say "over the summer" I mean they hadn't spoken since the end of the school year. So there was lots of anticipation for their relationship status on the first day of school.
A few weeks into the school year she breaks up with him via a mutual friend (Girl 2). I get it, they grew apart over the summer. Her parents have strict (read: Good) rules. No Social Media. No calling and texting boys we don't know or know their parents. All good. However, amid many attempts on our part to meet them it didn't come to fruition.
Then he "goes out" with the mutual friend, who breaks up with him publicly and "for no reason". As any mom can imagine she's not on my "favorites" list. This is followed by a string of other girls. We'll call them 3 - 6. Much to my disapproval.
Right before Winter Break he's back with Girl 2, and then breaks up with her via a mutual friend (Girl 7) due to extenuating circumstances.
He and Girl 7 seem to hit it off and then Bam! Awkward public breakup at school and "for no reason". Again, not on my favorites list.
There is no girl on my favorites list.... not because I think anyone is "too good" for my son but because he's at the tender age of 14. His brain isn't fully grown or functioning.
As I had a recent conversation with some youth girls... the Bible doesn't mention dating only preparing for marriage. To which she said she's waiting like the Israelites for God. It was all I could do to say to her. The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years because of disobedience.
Back to my kid... so there was a bit of an intervention after the last break up. He chatted with his friends and youth pastor and agreed to stop the game of "monkey bars" for two months. So at the end of April he can "date" again according to them. I still think that 14 is too young and too much of am emotional time. Not that anyone listens to me.
After Girl 7 and his behavior following, we took his phone privileges away for one month. Once off restriction he broke the rules nearly immediately and now will be off social media indefinitely.
He isn't allowed to friend people he doesn't know in real life. Not "passing in the school hall" type of knowing. Real Life, he has classes with them, goes to church with them, they are a relative... yea cuz I Am That Mom!
He isn't allowed to talk on the phone with people he doesn't know in real life.... cuz I Am That Mom!
He isn't allowed to have a girlfriend, an official girlfriend until/unless:
1) We meet her parents
2) Her parents know she is dating, are okay that she's dating
3) Her parents want to meet my son and his parents
Not that I an enforce it:
4) Over 16 years old
5) Is driving
6) Has a job.
I'm not paying for your dates.... cuz I Am That Mom!
Here's a brief history of this school year. The kiddo started off the year with the same girlfriend (Girl 1) he'd had over the summer... when I say "over the summer" I mean they hadn't spoken since the end of the school year. So there was lots of anticipation for their relationship status on the first day of school.
A few weeks into the school year she breaks up with him via a mutual friend (Girl 2). I get it, they grew apart over the summer. Her parents have strict (read: Good) rules. No Social Media. No calling and texting boys we don't know or know their parents. All good. However, amid many attempts on our part to meet them it didn't come to fruition.
Then he "goes out" with the mutual friend, who breaks up with him publicly and "for no reason". As any mom can imagine she's not on my "favorites" list. This is followed by a string of other girls. We'll call them 3 - 6. Much to my disapproval.
Right before Winter Break he's back with Girl 2, and then breaks up with her via a mutual friend (Girl 7) due to extenuating circumstances.
He and Girl 7 seem to hit it off and then Bam! Awkward public breakup at school and "for no reason". Again, not on my favorites list.
There is no girl on my favorites list.... not because I think anyone is "too good" for my son but because he's at the tender age of 14. His brain isn't fully grown or functioning.
As I had a recent conversation with some youth girls... the Bible doesn't mention dating only preparing for marriage. To which she said she's waiting like the Israelites for God. It was all I could do to say to her. The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years because of disobedience.
Back to my kid... so there was a bit of an intervention after the last break up. He chatted with his friends and youth pastor and agreed to stop the game of "monkey bars" for two months. So at the end of April he can "date" again according to them. I still think that 14 is too young and too much of am emotional time. Not that anyone listens to me.
After Girl 7 and his behavior following, we took his phone privileges away for one month. Once off restriction he broke the rules nearly immediately and now will be off social media indefinitely.
He isn't allowed to friend people he doesn't know in real life. Not "passing in the school hall" type of knowing. Real Life, he has classes with them, goes to church with them, they are a relative... yea cuz I Am That Mom!
He isn't allowed to talk on the phone with people he doesn't know in real life.... cuz I Am That Mom!
He isn't allowed to have a girlfriend, an official girlfriend until/unless:
1) We meet her parents
2) Her parents know she is dating, are okay that she's dating
3) Her parents want to meet my son and his parents
Not that I an enforce it:
4) Over 16 years old
5) Is driving
6) Has a job.
I'm not paying for your dates.... cuz I Am That Mom!
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
The One Where God Knows My Shoe Size
She Reads Truth... these girls bring it every time. Every.Time. And I'm forced to look at the mess around me and I don't want to.
This is just where I am and where I am not. Needing to repent of my repentance. Wanted to be washed and yet soaking in a tub of my own striving and pride. I see the ruins but don't acknowledge them as such. I see it how I want it to be. Living in the fictionor fantasy section of my heart.
This is just where I am and where I am not. Needing to repent of my repentance. Wanted to be washed and yet soaking in a tub of my own striving and pride. I see the ruins but don't acknowledge them as such. I see it how I want it to be. Living in the fiction
Yet the ruins are all around me. I sit atop the rubble and...... I quit my job because of the toxic environment.....just in time for my teenagers depressed meltdown....just in time to not really want to deal with anything or anyone. I've wanted to run away more as an adult than I ever did as a child and well, there are books and medication for my childhood.
So I sit here app in hand, coffee in hand, rending.... What I don't really know.
Amanda. She's my soul sister. I see me...In her writing. Yesterday she talked about avoiding.
I do that. I avoid.
Because going through is too hard. And there are a lot of "what ifs" about getting to the other side.
And I take FDR literally when he says, The only thing we have to fear is fear itself'
I do that. I avoid.
Because going through is too hard. And there are a lot of "what ifs" about getting to the other side.
And I take FDR literally when he says, The only thing we have to fear is fear itself'
So I'm even afraid of fear.
I don't want to go through. I just want to be on the other side. I don't want to repent, I just want to be cleansed. I just want Calgon to take me away. Oops did I really say it out loud? Did you hear that? I thought it was just in my head.
I don't want to look at the rubble around me, I want to see what was or what could be. Not what is.
And so I lament. Wait? I lament? Nooooo.... This is where God takes a cue from Tom Jones and says, 'Act your age, not your shoe size' and I'm pretty sure He's familiar with my shoe size.
To lament means, to mourn, to grieve, to weep or wail, to express sorrow.
I'm not lamenting. I'm soooo totally not lamenting.
I'm not mourning or even weeping. I'm complaining.
Why God Why?
When God When?
Woe is me
Why is all of this so hard and when are You gonna fix things (to my standards) and make it a little more comfortable? A little more? Ha! I meant cushy and care-free. You know the one... right the kind where Hello, My Name Is Child Of The One True King. Where I sit on the throne and ask God to serve me. I wear my tiara, the one I gave myself through works and order God around.
Not the one where I sit on the pile of rubble with Godly Grief.
Not the one where I sit on the pile of rubble with Godly Grief.
If I'm honest and when have you known me not to be I don't have Godly Grief.
I have 'good grief'.
As in 'good grief Charlie Brown'
Friday, February 20, 2015
Five Minute Friday: Open
Open the flood gates of heaven! We say that but do we mean it? Do we know what that would look like? Or only what we want it to look like? Prosperity, Goodness, Blessing, Overflowing Cups?
Open our eyes Lord, we want to see Jesus? Do we? As He really is and not how we perceive Him to be? Recently at the If: Gathering one of the speakers said (My BFF Jen Hatmaker): I thought I was confident in God, but I was just confident in my understanding of Him.
I would say only confident in my perception of who I want Him to be, not who He Is.
I say I want to be open. Opening my hand to the poor, the widow and the orphaned. Do I? Why are my fists clenched. It's not enough to SAY it!! I'm not talking about works here people... but again as my BFF Jen Hatmaker says: We have to stop blessing blessed people and serving the saved! WOW. That is from last years IF:Gathering and I'm still shaken by it. Imagine what might happen if I listened to this years! :)
What poor and widowed and orphaned do I know? Oh yeah, my neighbors! Across the street, next door, in my community.
Open. My eyes, my hands, my heart.....
Open our eyes Lord, we want to see Jesus? Do we? As He really is and not how we perceive Him to be? Recently at the If: Gathering one of the speakers said (My BFF Jen Hatmaker): I thought I was confident in God, but I was just confident in my understanding of Him.
I would say only confident in my perception of who I want Him to be, not who He Is.
I say I want to be open. Opening my hand to the poor, the widow and the orphaned. Do I? Why are my fists clenched. It's not enough to SAY it!! I'm not talking about works here people... but again as my BFF Jen Hatmaker says: We have to stop blessing blessed people and serving the saved! WOW. That is from last years IF:Gathering and I'm still shaken by it. Imagine what might happen if I listened to this years! :)
What poor and widowed and orphaned do I know? Oh yeah, my neighbors! Across the street, next door, in my community.
Open. My eyes, my hands, my heart.....
Thursday, February 19, 2015
The One Where I Observe
Observe that I haven't had a post in oh... four months! Observe that I've had week after week after month after month of striving. Observe that I'm wrapped up in an anxiety ball of what I should be and who I could be. Observe that I am sick and tired of being tired.... there's an exhaustion in my soul that I can't shake.
All this list making and striving and standing on the tips of my toes trying to measure up....
Then walks in Seven. A book that's been on my night stand for months. I read it, it wrecked me. In good ways, in bad ways, in frustrating way...like I don't live in Austin. Jen Hatmaker and I aren't BFF, but she rents space in my head and maybe that's enough. Who am I kidding?! That IS NOT ENOUGH! Maybe I should move?
Eat 7 Foods
Wear 7 items Clothes
Get rid of 7 Possessions. Every Day.
7 types of media, just no. Tv, Gaming, FB, Tweets, iPhone apps, Radio, Texting, Internet (real phone calls only)
7 Habits for a greener life
7 Places your money goes (only)
7 Sacred Pauses. Finished this chapter just in time for Lent.
Lent, that time of year when my husband announces that we aren't catholic. DUH! And I say you don't have to be catholic to observe Lent. DUH!
Jen bases this chapter on a book by the same name, Seven Sacred Pauses
Like Jen, I haven't been getting these done exactly, but I'm working on it.
Enter Day 2 of the She Reads Truth Lent Study/Devotional, Whatever you want to call it. And here is my "response" my pause today
[Insert deep breath here.]
It’s no wonder we try to come to Him with layers of lies and pride and every other self-preservation instinct intact. It makes sense, right? Except it doesn’t… because Jesus. ~~Amanda Williams
I needed to hear this. So much so that my jaw is sore from clenching it. Yea... So there's that. Hard week after hard week and the shame and the guilt and the striving. And the to do lists and the things to check off.
And then there's the cross, the feet of Jesus beckoning me to just turn towards Him, lay it all down and exhale.
Noah Webster in his original dictionary defines return as:
1. To come or go back to the same place.
2. To come to the same state, as, to return from bondage to a state of freedom.
6. To show fresh signs of mercy.
Returnable: that may be returned or restored
Returned: restored
It is God who does the restoration work. We only turn in his direction.
And so I pause and make time for pauses, because I'm not giving up for/on Lent. Unless you count sleep. I'm getting up earlier to pause in the sacred silence. To read, to pray, to lay it down. Because these burdens, I can't bear them and somewhere I think I've read I shouldn't be anyway.
I'm observing a modified 7 over the next 6 weeks.
02/22 begins "Clear The Clutter - Make Space"
I will purge at least two items per day for 14 days. Now that's fairly easy for me, not so much for my people, they could be hoarders. Maybe I'll do this one for them. I'm really excited to get the garage and attic cleaned out. I like Becoming Minimalist Blog. He said and I'm paraphrasing... if you need to buy more stuff to organize your existing stuff you have too much stuff.
03/08 begins "Recycle, Reuse, Repurpose
Plastic, Paper, Cans, Cardboard
Get a compost bin and experiment, hope to not attract varmint.
03/22 begins "Phone Fast"
Phone can be in use from 7AM - 7PM. I've already begun this part. The teenager is grounded for life, so that'll help him, not sure about the hubs.
I've taken Facebook off my phone and I don't access it during business hours. Thanks, Crystal Paine!
Turned off at 7PM
Dinner at the table, I can hear them grumble now, but really do we need to see another rerun of Big Bang Theory?
Read Lent Passages
Observe Sabbath, I may have to pull teeth and limbs for this, but it's only two weekends, they can do it!
More Lent Ideas:
40 Ideas for Lent
All this list making and striving and standing on the tips of my toes trying to measure up....
Then walks in Seven. A book that's been on my night stand for months. I read it, it wrecked me. In good ways, in bad ways, in frustrating way...like I don't live in Austin. Jen Hatmaker and I aren't BFF, but she rents space in my head and maybe that's enough. Who am I kidding?! That IS NOT ENOUGH! Maybe I should move?
Eat 7 Foods
Wear 7 items Clothes
Get rid of 7 Possessions. Every Day.
7 types of media, just no. Tv, Gaming, FB, Tweets, iPhone apps, Radio, Texting, Internet (real phone calls only)
7 Habits for a greener life
7 Places your money goes (only)
7 Sacred Pauses. Finished this chapter just in time for Lent.
Lent, that time of year when my husband announces that we aren't catholic. DUH! And I say you don't have to be catholic to observe Lent. DUH!
Jen bases this chapter on a book by the same name, Seven Sacred Pauses
Like Jen, I haven't been getting these done exactly, but I'm working on it.
Enter Day 2 of the She Reads Truth Lent Study/Devotional, Whatever you want to call it. And here is my "response" my pause today
[Insert deep breath here.]
It’s no wonder we try to come to Him with layers of lies and pride and every other self-preservation instinct intact. It makes sense, right? Except it doesn’t… because Jesus. ~~Amanda Williams
I needed to hear this. So much so that my jaw is sore from clenching it. Yea... So there's that. Hard week after hard week and the shame and the guilt and the striving. And the to do lists and the things to check off.
And then there's the cross, the feet of Jesus beckoning me to just turn towards Him, lay it all down and exhale.
Noah Webster in his original dictionary defines return as:
1. To come or go back to the same place.
2. To come to the same state, as, to return from bondage to a state of freedom.
6. To show fresh signs of mercy.
Returnable: that may be returned or restored
Returned: restored
It is God who does the restoration work. We only turn in his direction.
And so I pause and make time for pauses, because I'm not giving up for/on Lent. Unless you count sleep. I'm getting up earlier to pause in the sacred silence. To read, to pray, to lay it down. Because these burdens, I can't bear them and somewhere I think I've read I shouldn't be anyway.
I'm observing a modified 7 over the next 6 weeks.
02/22 begins "Clear The Clutter - Make Space"
I will purge at least two items per day for 14 days. Now that's fairly easy for me, not so much for my people, they could be hoarders. Maybe I'll do this one for them.
03/08 begins "Recycle, Reuse, Repurpose
Plastic, Paper, Cans, Cardboard
Get a compost bin and experiment, hope to not attract varmint.
03/22 begins "Phone Fast"
Phone can be in use from 7AM - 7PM. I've already begun this part. The teenager is grounded for life, so that'll help him, not sure about the hubs.
I've taken Facebook off my phone and I don't access it during business hours. Thanks, Crystal Paine!
Turned off at 7PM
Dinner at the table, I can hear them grumble now, but really do we need to see another rerun of Big Bang Theory?
Read Lent Passages
Observe Sabbath, I may have to pull teeth and limbs for this, but it's only two weekends, they can do it!
More Lent Ideas:
40 Ideas for Lent
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
The One Where I'm Surrounded.
Lately I've had conversions that are laced with tears and anxiety. Fear and worry. But a new thing has happened.....
I'm part of a community that surrounds me with Truth, a soft place to land, encouragement for the journey, an ear, a shoulder to cry on, space to fall apart and people who don't recoil about it.
I've had more than one person tell me I've inspired them. To keep going, don't give up. That they believe in me when I don't believe in myself.... Or anything.
Some of these people I've known for years, some for a few years, others only on line.
This blog post from Amanda at SheReadsTruth http://shereadstruth.com/2014/10/14/stand/ really helped me to see I'm not alone and I've been trying my hardest to 'hold it together'. This life, these kids, this marriage, this job, these chores, piles of laundry and dishes and things undone.
I am undone and I'm finding out that undone is okay, I'm not holding it together. :)
There at people and texts and phone calls and emails and meetings for coffee that tell me I don't have to hold it together. And it's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be in community. Sometimes that means surrounding others and other times it means being surrounded.
Thankful I'm surrounded today. :)
Saturday, October 11, 2014
The One Where I'm Barely Holding On
I don't know where to begin. And I'm not sure where the beginning would be anyway.....
Stress Fracture.
Stress. A mental strain or disruption. Emotional pressure suffered by a human being.
Fracture. The act of breaking. Something that has broken.
A stress fracture. I have a stress fracture in one of the smallest bones of the body. Yet in one of the most important places.
You don't think about your big toe, the function it serves, the stability it gives you until it's gone.
But it's smaller than that. These two bones called the sesamoids. They are basically the patella of the toe. A bone imbedded in the tendon. They act like a pulley, providing a smooth surface for the tendons to glide over. They help the big toe move and provide stability when you 'push off' during running (or walking). They are flat, disc/egg shaped about the size of a popcorn kernel.
Yet when they don't work properly. It feels like you're walking on a popcorn kernel!!
I love popcorn... This, not so much.
I've been in the boot for 6 weeks. Had a follow up X-ray yesterday. There's some healing. So there's that. (Forces a smile)
But it's not enough to get out of the boot or be active again. Or keep me from plumetting into a lower and lower depression and sense of hopelessness.
Four more weeks in the boot and then another X-ray and then talk of surgery. I can't run again until there's no pain. If there's pain, stop and rest more and contemplate surgery.
This is week one of four more weeks in the boot. 😞
I have cried for 24 hours straight. I'm a blubbering depressed mess.
Some may say... It's only running. What's the big deal. You'll run again someday. Be pateint. Keep your chin up. Meh.
Running keeps me sane. My world is usually on the cusp of spinning out of control at any moment. Running helps me get away. Shake it all off. Handle things better. I'm a better person because of running. Running became my life partner five years ago. Now it feels like running has moved away.
At first it was as if running went on a business trip, an interview in a new city. Now it feels like I've waved goodbye to a good friend pulling out of the drivenway.
I don't have to stress out about life with running by my side. Now what's left is life and stress and the stress of life with no relief.
And I'm barely holding on. I'm barely getting through the day. One day down. Twenty-seven to go until I know if running is ever coming home.
I assure you, I will never again pray to learn how to Be Still and Know. Never. Ever. Again. I don't want to be still. And this isn't the kind of still I had in mind. For the record, I don't find this humorous. Although I'm sure God is getting a good laugh.
And Know.... And know what exactly? That life is one series of disappointments after another.... A lesson I'm becoming more familiar with every day. Every.Damn.Day.
All that's left now is Disruption and Something that is Broken.
Friday, September 12, 2014
The One Where I Say "Break The Mold!"
Let me begin with I'm a bad blogger. I totally need a reminder to blog or something. I dunno, I tend to be a "subject matter" blogger. I blog when I have something to say.
Today is one such day.
It's Fall Y'all in Texas. Well it is for today anyway. I should probably post pix of this... I won't because I need to dust.... but my house décor is "fall" related. Oranges, purples, deep red hues. Because I love Fall. I was born in September and I think some of the best things happen in September!
Seasons change
Baseballs annual "Hunt for Red October" (is anyone else heartbroken over the way the A's have fallen apart, or how my Texas Rangers are in last place, when did we become "The Cubs" of baseball?)
Football season begins (Go Packers, Giants, Bears and Broncos - just cuz I'm in Texas doesn't mean I love the Cowboys...that's a blog for another day)
Oh and Seasons change.
I like the crispness of the air the way it ushers in a change in our focus. Summer is over and we make this turn.... almost like a turn home after a long trip. For me it's familiar, it's a settling in, a cozying up with a good book and a cool day kind of mentality. It's not hurried.
Noticing the décor in my kitchen today, as if I'd never seen it, I have these vines of leaves, on the tops of my cabinets, ya know where you put stuff, like greenery, plastic plants, decorative stuff that only gets dusted once a year.
Anyway, the "greenery" at my house isn't so green, it's fall colors, red and orange and purple and hues that made me think of this place we're in as people.
These leaves are changing, alive and not dead, they haven't fallen to the ground, they are clinging to their life source. They are fiery and bold and in your face, yet delicate and in process.
Sometimes this happens in our own back yard, and other times we travel to see the beauty of the process. There's an entire business of seeing this process and the viewers call it beautiful, breathtaking, phenomenal, vibrant, and beyond description.
Yet when that happens in life, when we're in process, we don't describe it much like that, do we? We don't book vacations, charge the camera, pack a lunch, post to Instagram. We don't marvel at it as though something beautiful happening before our very eyes. Not in our self. Not in others.
Stop and smell the roses they say! I say Break The Mold! Stop and watch the process of Fall, the delicate balance of becoming, the fragility of life, the boldness of clinging. Notice it in yourself. Be okay to proceed, become, cling. Celebrate it in others. Give them permission to proceed, become and the boldness to cling when needed.
Maybe to come on Instagram will be boring pictures of my stubborn Oak Tree, the one that is the last to lose it's leaves, still clinging to the old as buds of new life push them off and into the wind.
Perhaps I'll have something more to say about it as we go into a new season. :) About the tree and maybe about me.
Today is one such day.
It's Fall Y'all in Texas. Well it is for today anyway. I should probably post pix of this... I won't because I need to dust.... but my house décor is "fall" related. Oranges, purples, deep red hues. Because I love Fall. I was born in September and I think some of the best things happen in September!
Seasons change
Baseballs annual "Hunt for Red October" (is anyone else heartbroken over the way the A's have fallen apart, or how my Texas Rangers are in last place, when did we become "The Cubs" of baseball?)
Football season begins (Go Packers, Giants, Bears and Broncos - just cuz I'm in Texas doesn't mean I love the Cowboys...that's a blog for another day)
Oh and Seasons change.
I like the crispness of the air the way it ushers in a change in our focus. Summer is over and we make this turn.... almost like a turn home after a long trip. For me it's familiar, it's a settling in, a cozying up with a good book and a cool day kind of mentality. It's not hurried.
Noticing the décor in my kitchen today, as if I'd never seen it, I have these vines of leaves, on the tops of my cabinets, ya know where you put stuff, like greenery, plastic plants, decorative stuff that only gets dusted once a year.
Anyway, the "greenery" at my house isn't so green, it's fall colors, red and orange and purple and hues that made me think of this place we're in as people.
These leaves are changing, alive and not dead, they haven't fallen to the ground, they are clinging to their life source. They are fiery and bold and in your face, yet delicate and in process.
Sometimes this happens in our own back yard, and other times we travel to see the beauty of the process. There's an entire business of seeing this process and the viewers call it beautiful, breathtaking, phenomenal, vibrant, and beyond description.
Yet when that happens in life, when we're in process, we don't describe it much like that, do we? We don't book vacations, charge the camera, pack a lunch, post to Instagram. We don't marvel at it as though something beautiful happening before our very eyes. Not in our self. Not in others.
Stop and smell the roses they say! I say Break The Mold! Stop and watch the process of Fall, the delicate balance of becoming, the fragility of life, the boldness of clinging. Notice it in yourself. Be okay to proceed, become, cling. Celebrate it in others. Give them permission to proceed, become and the boldness to cling when needed.
Maybe to come on Instagram will be boring pictures of my stubborn Oak Tree, the one that is the last to lose it's leaves, still clinging to the old as buds of new life push them off and into the wind.
Perhaps I'll have something more to say about it as we go into a new season. :) About the tree and maybe about me.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
The One Where I Received The Message
So I've had that feeling lately. The one where I'm over connected and not connecting. And I've seen two separate posts on Facebook about the aforementioned subject.
The one that hit home the most was the craigslist ad by the NYC restaurant.
http://news.distractify.com/culture/craigslist-surveillance-restaurant/?v=1
People (read: I) don't have common courtesy in this day and age. Taking pictures of food then complaining it's cold. Bumping into one another, wasting the wait staffs time by taking photos. Not communicating, connecting with the person across the table, in the next chair, on the same couch. Honestly what has the world come too?
What has my world come to? A group (or a few hundred) of friends I've never met. Talking to people I have no real life connection with over the ones in the next room? This shouldn't happen. This isn't how I grew up, made friends, kept friends for that matter.
I feel like life has become like the esurance commercial with Beatrice.
At the end of the commercial it says, 'Welcome to the modern world'.
There are lots of things in the modern world I'm very happy about.
Electricity.
Running water.
Indoor plumbing.
Dishwashers.
Washing machines.
Computers.
Telecommuting.
Cell phones.
Smart phones too.
But I feel like I'm trapped in a Wall-E of my own doing. Unsatisfied with the ordinary life going on around me because of the life less ordinary on this inches deep and wide screen.
And it's not about envying or comparisons as much as it is not cultivating what's in front of me. I can't click a 'like' button or 'unfollow' those around me.
That stuff had to be worked out, hashed out, forgiven, loved deeply and so widely that it falls into open arms of acceptance, open mouths, eyes so open and connected to others that they hear you...
Hear you with the kind of listening you do in the dark of night and there's an unfamiliar noise in your house. A pit of the soul that only comes from being connected with your surroundings and with the people that make life ordinary. Ordinary in a way that is wonderful.
Where when we share a meal it's in person, not on Instagram. When we're at a ballgame it's for the ambiance, the company we keep, the peanuts & laughter. (cuz if you're a Rangers fan in 2014, you're not there for the great pitching & home runs). Where 'checking in' means being checked in.
I think it's time we (read: I) were more checked in. I don't think the world will miss another status update, or tweet or mealtime photos.
And in the words of Ferris Bueller:
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
I don't want to miss it. So I'm signing off.
Not completely, not permanently. But in a way that is more checked in.
Maybe we'll enjoy the ambiance of baseball in Texas!
Saturday, May 24, 2014
The One Where I Use Socks
Written in my iPhone while camping.
So yesterday I read another article about Phil Robertson preaching on I Corinthians 6. Sigh 😞
Yes I agree this is in the bible. Yes I agree with Paul. I'm not offended by the bible or that particular passage. I have a biblical world view. I believe Jesus is the Son of God, came into the world as a human, lived as a human among the lost & broken, performed miracles, healed the sick, raised the dead, drank of the cup (he prayed to have taken from him), sweat blood, was sold out for 30 peices of silver, beaten, bruised, crucified, sin of the world on him, buried in a borrowed tomb, rose from the dead by the power of God three days later!
Appeared to the disciples and then 500, and then thousands. Ascended to heaven where He sits at the right hand of the Father and interceeds for us.
This is the Jesus I know. This is the grace that draws me to Him. This is the heart of Christ for the world.
So when I hear Mr. Robertson and others condemning entire groups of society, I take offense. And have grown tired of the constant finger pointing.
If you feel that homosexuals are sinning, living in sin, outside of the church, how do you also consider them brothers?
To me it seems like some want it both ways.
1. Outside the church, in the world, not under 'the church' 'Christian moral code, values'. Therefore outside of the 'if your brother sins against you' 'if your brother is in sin confront him' OR
2. Inside the church. Like the Corinthians, who that letter was written to. To the Church at Corinth. People who are saved & sanctified. Covered under grace.
And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:11 ESV)
I'm not quoting the scriptures for the above, I'm on my phone, I don't know the exact verses off the top of my head... Maybe that means I'm not saved. (Cue the sarcasm)
So if it's 1. These people are outside the jurisdiction of the church, of the moral code, values. Their life is honestly none of your business. They are not your brother, they are your neighbor.
And if it's 2. They are saved by grace. Should their sin be confronted? Yes. And so should they confront yours. In person, with love, with another brother. With compassion. Treating you the same way they would want to be treated. How do you respond to finger wagging & accusation?
Me? Not so well.
It's outside of my scope and ability to convict. That's the job of the Holy Spirit.
I can trust Jesus to go into the temple with a whip & turn over the tables & not damage the people involved. Me, not so much.
And with that I say: put a sock in all this us & them mentality!
As well as, back to camping & fishing & hiking & family. Much less technology & tweeting. Unless it's pictures!! :)
Friday, May 9, 2014
The One Where I {link up) for Five Minute Friday - Grateful
If you've heard me say it once you've heard me say it forty times: #1000gifts.
Take the joy dare.
Slow down to see the miracles. Because there's a little something special in every day.
I've written my three things sporadically over the past eight months, started on my birthday. At first I wrote them faithfully, but then I didn't do it as often. But I do it. Every month is new I start up again. :)
Here is a spattering of my #1000gifts
1. Life
2. Birthdays
3. Health
4. Pumpkin Lattes
5. Cake
6. Rain
7. End of Summer
8. Dishes
9. Laundry
10. Ezra 4
100. Fire
101. Burning Desire
102. Burned Dinner
103. Burning Bush
104. Sun
105. Muscles
106. Shared
107. Saved
108. Surrendered
109. Sweet Sweat
110. Leave It On The Pavement
I stopped counting in my journal and began on Instagram. I really need to go back to the journal....
Three Things Hard:
Trust
Submission
Acceptance
Three Things Rising Up:
1. The sun with new mercy
2. The sun with new mercy
3. The sun with new mercy
Three gifts Stacked, Stashed, Stilled:
1. Dishes put away by the teenager
2. Chocolate
3. Quiet house in the morning... to go with my coffee
It's hard for me be to grateful, it really is. Isn't that the jest of the garden.... of original sin..... ingratitude. I'm ungrateful, for the smallest things... for the people around me who I love and adore (but they get on my nerves), the fridge full of food (yet I can't find anything to eat), the music blasting on my stereo (and with Sirius XM, there's nothing good to listen to).
Todays Prompt Is: Three Gifts In The Dark
1. Sleep. Must.Have.More! Yet grateful for good night's sleep!
2. RRC Track Workout. I get up at 4AM to run in the dark on Tuesday. I'm grateful for my running club that offers this kind of workout for my very low membership fee!
3. Stars. You can't see stars unless it's dark. There's beauty in that, both when you're looking and the stars and when it's dark in your life. Look to the Morning Star!
I've got to get better: In counting my blessings. (and I don't mean stuff)In getting to 1000 gifts. In slowing down to see the miracle. So many things can go wrong in the course of a day, a week, a month... a life.... So many things that really in the scheme of things don't really matter. What I was upset about last month, who can remember? What about last year at this time? Who knows?
It's time to slow down to see the miracle, choose joy, pass joy onto others, teach our children to live with gratitude, not entitlement. It starts with us. It starts with me, the ungrateful.
Take the joy dare.
Slow down to see the miracles. Because there's a little something special in every day.
I've written my three things sporadically over the past eight months, started on my birthday. At first I wrote them faithfully, but then I didn't do it as often. But I do it. Every month is new I start up again. :)
Here is a spattering of my #1000gifts
1. Life
2. Birthdays
3. Health
4. Pumpkin Lattes
5. Cake
6. Rain
7. End of Summer
8. Dishes
9. Laundry
10. Ezra 4
100. Fire
101. Burning Desire
102. Burned Dinner
103. Burning Bush
104. Sun
105. Muscles
106. Shared
107. Saved
108. Surrendered
109. Sweet Sweat
110. Leave It On The Pavement
I stopped counting in my journal and began on Instagram. I really need to go back to the journal....
Three Things Hard:
Trust
Submission
Acceptance
Three Things Rising Up:
1. The sun with new mercy
2. The sun with new mercy
3. The sun with new mercy
Three gifts Stacked, Stashed, Stilled:
1. Dishes put away by the teenager
2. Chocolate
3. Quiet house in the morning... to go with my coffee
It's hard for me be to grateful, it really is. Isn't that the jest of the garden.... of original sin..... ingratitude. I'm ungrateful, for the smallest things... for the people around me who I love and adore (but they get on my nerves), the fridge full of food (yet I can't find anything to eat), the music blasting on my stereo (and with Sirius XM, there's nothing good to listen to).
Todays Prompt Is: Three Gifts In The Dark
1. Sleep. Must.Have.More! Yet grateful for good night's sleep!
2. RRC Track Workout. I get up at 4AM to run in the dark on Tuesday. I'm grateful for my running club that offers this kind of workout for my very low membership fee!
3. Stars. You can't see stars unless it's dark. There's beauty in that, both when you're looking and the stars and when it's dark in your life. Look to the Morning Star!
I've got to get better: In counting my blessings. (and I don't mean stuff)In getting to 1000 gifts. In slowing down to see the miracle. So many things can go wrong in the course of a day, a week, a month... a life.... So many things that really in the scheme of things don't really matter. What I was upset about last month, who can remember? What about last year at this time? Who knows?
It's time to slow down to see the miracle, choose joy, pass joy onto others, teach our children to live with gratitude, not entitlement. It starts with us. It starts with me, the ungrateful.
Friday, April 25, 2014
The One Where I {link up} for Five Minute Friday - Friends
What a great topic.
I'd say I have a lot of friends. It's odd that at this stage in life I can say that. I'm a runner and I'm a part of 3 running clubs so I know a lot of people. But I only have 3 - 4 really good friends.
Kat - I met her a small bible study group. She stood up for me at my wedding. We've been friends ever since. I talk to her at least weekly. We attend church together, eat together, run together, do life together, drink A LOT of coffee together! I love her. I love her like I love my sister. Except she's like my older sister. And as the oldest in my family, it's a treasure to have an "older sister". She is beautiful and better yet, we share clothes and shoes and purses!! She talks me off of the ledge when I'm just about over it about non sense and life. We pray together and cry together. Because I know her; I will be forever changed. We were meant to be together. She gets me. She doesn't judge my craziness, she just loves me.
Jen - although she's moved out of state now, I still talk to her weekly, sometimes daily. We have children born a month apart. Our kiddos have similar struggles, as do she and I. We became fast friends when we met in Sunday School; 9 years ago. She's taught me so much! So much. Like "everything's gonna be okay" particularly with my kiddo. She's the first person who I met whose child has the same issue as mine. I don't know how I would have gotten through elementary school without her! If anything can get this momma to melt down it's her kiddo struggling in school life. He struggles a lot, so melting down is common place around here. And she listens to me rage against the machine! And runs with me, and prays with me, and drink coffee with me, and does life with me. My life is forever changed because I know her. And she knows me. She Knows Me!
My Runner Girls - they see my struggles, they pick me up, they encourage me, they push me, they believe in me. We are a group of women with similar struggles, lives, goals. The running keeps us going, but it's the life we're doing together that keeps us together. It's the meals that show up at your door when you've come home from the hospital, it's the text that says "hey we missed you today, is everything okay." It's the understanding that today, not matter what's going on, we're gonna leave it all on the pavement. We walk together, talk together, run together, grow together, encourage one another, cheer for one another, push, pull and carry one another to the start line of races and across the finish line… of life. They believe in me when I don't. And there's plenty of times I don't. They believe in me anyway. Encourage me anyway. They know I'm capable of way more…. and push me to rise to the occasion! Bless Them!! They also like coffee, so there's that too! :)
It hasn't always been so… I haven't always had good friends. I've struggled with acceptance and accepting. But I've learned so much being in relationship with these women. And drank many cups of coffee!! :)
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