The One Where I Run To Tarshish

Lately I don't know which end is up.  I'm working a new job that I really like but also feel very inadequate at.  It's part time and although I'm five weeks in, I've only worked about 70 hours. I feel as though I should already know everything and be proficient at it and I'm not.  I'm constantly having conversations with my boss about the small things that are going wrong.

This is discouraging.  

I don't think I've ever had this many conversations in my entire working career about how many things aren't going well in less than two weeks of work.  But because I've been there five weeks, it seems as though I should be rolling along okay.

I've made two major mistakes.  I don't know how to handle them.  I want to quit.  I want to give up.  Maybe you can't teach old dogs new tricks.

The She Reads Truth gals are in Jonah right now.  This is what I wrote on their comments yesterday:

First an update: The school situation is better, I hope. The meeting went well. Thank you to this community for encouraging me. 

Second: fix one leak in the dam another place springs a leak. My job is just all kinds of crazy, I feel inadequate. I had many reservations about taking this job and now I feel like all those reservations were correct. I don't know how to handle it. There are several things that have come up that I honestly don't want to handle and like Jonah… 

I. Want. To. Run. Please God let me run. Let me say all of my excuses and run. I don't want to do this, I don't want to face this. I want to run. It's not about mercy, it's about fear right now. I'm scared I can't do this and I can't do it well. I'm worried about the relationships this affects. I got the job through my sister who is a client of my boss…. I just want to run. 

I'm not angry with her and God knows she could use a witness to tell her about God's Mercy. She deserves it. I have no qualms about that… I'm not asking for hellfire and brimstone on her….. But oh how I want to run from this. I don't feel peace about staying and I have less peace about quitting. I'm also not too interested in being swallowed up by a whale…. but running seems like a good option right now. 

Lord Jesus…. help me through this! I'm definitely sinking in the sand, on the waves, too far from the shore where it's not safe. 

Maybe I will rue the day I said: 
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
Let me walk upon the waters 
Where ever you would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger 
In the presence of my Savior. 

So I will call upon your name……

My word for the year is Trust.  I don't know how to do that right now.  I'm not sure what that looks like right now.  I have notes in my bible that say:  The definition of love is to know someone's needs and meet them.  So how do you love God?  Trust.

I definitely feel as though my trust is without borders right now.  My calling is silent.  To fearful to go forward, to embarrassed to go back.   Questioning, do I really want stronger faith?  But I'm sinking.

I. am. sinking 

 

I realize this isn't a devotional or a teaching on Jonah.  But this is how I've felt lately.  I wrote this yesterday while I was in the throws of feeling like I couldn't face the day.  I had a few things happen yesterday that tells me God Is Still Faithful.  As if I had doubts about it.   But don't we I?


Today I'm still shaky and trying to get my sea legs, but I think it's probably not the best idea to "flee from the presence of the Lord".  Maybe I should get comfortable in the belly of the whale; the storm is coming, or rather I'm experiencing it.  I'm in it.  Do I throw myself into the sea?  Do I trust that God has "prepared a great fish" for me?  (the girl with the dunce hat on?)

It doesn't have to be a great fish, I only need to know that God Is Prepared!  

#SheReadsTruth - The Things Of This World

Oh how this speaks to my heart today.

For years (and I won't tell you it's not a struggle some days) I was scared of heaven. I think for me, it meant judgment (in my mind I compete with Paul for the chief sinner claim) It wasn't, isn't a love for the world so much as a distrust of heaven. Of my Heavenly Father. His goodness, plans, love, will, did I mention goodness? Or perhaps that His goodness isn't for me. It's for everyone else. 

Heaven is for everyone else. I'll sit in the corner with the dunce hat on. Love the world? I can't say no. Because I have a lot of fear of separation from it. Mostly from my family. My kids. My husband. (Who I won't be married to in heaven) 

As a bible snob, a Greek Freak, it's crazy (to me) that I've been really digging The Message (a challenge from my pastor) Nothing scholarly about it. I admit. But I'm seeing this precious word with new eyes. 

1 John 2: 15-17 Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity. 

Love the worlds ways? No. Right? That's the answer. I do not. Love the worlds goods? No? Not quite so steady, sure. Love of the world? 

But when you say.... Want my own way... Want everything for myself (not everything, right, I can really see the semantics in this and thus be off the proverbial or prepositional hook). Wanting to appear important.... (Read: mans approval) ouuuuch! I certainly have fear of rejection and a longing for approval. 

How about this: 

Love of My ways. Love of My things/people/goods? Love of My world? I can't help but be pierced and indeed isolated. 

All of that is fading away, and I need to fade away with it. And run to Jesus. Because of the previous verses. 

12-13 I remind you, my dear children: Your sins are forgiven in Jesus’ name. You veterans were in on the ground floor, and know the One who started all this; you newcomers have won a big victory over the Evil One. 

My sins are forgiven. I KNOW the ONE who started all this.

I can let go of these ways, things, and world to cling to Jesus. Then wash rinse and repeat. Daily, or ya know hourly.  The clock keeps on ticking; and I have choices to make, today, right now, and the next moment, and hour, and day and week.  It's not a one time thought, but a (romans 12) renewing of the mind.  A metamorphosis that takes place.  Eventually the caterpillar becomes a butterfly.  Let's be honest though, some days I'd settle for a moth!