The One Where I Look Back (2016 and beyond)

I had lofty goals for 2016.   I dove in deep into #SOULutions.   As 2015 came to an end I was very much in a #byefelicia mood.   Goodbye.  Good riddance.  So long.  Farewell.  Auf Wiedersehen. Good Night.

Twenty-sixteen began with tears.  I though that when the clocked ticked over that it would be magic. The a fairy godmother would wave her wand and twenty-fifteen would have just been a bad dream, I would be going to the ball with the handsome prince and life would be different.   Better.  Less Shocking.  Something else.

It was something else indeed.  The clock struck twelve oh one and I broke down.   This was the first moment of my life that I had to face a new year without a parent.   I didn't think it would hit me like that.  So painful.  So tragic.  So sorrowful.  Such a blow.   It wasn't over.   The shock was over and the sorrow snuck in, right under the glow of the New Years Eve ball drop.  Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, Tears.

There were lots of tears and sorrow in twenty-sixteen. There was also lots of laughs and enjoyable moments and surprising days and beautiful new memories.

A new semester began with my study girls in the same classes!! YAY!  They breathe life into these old bones, this dried out brain.

We joined Planet Fitness about the same time The Adhesive began working at a local fast food joint. We worked out faithfully.  I kept running long distance and well it's no surprise that I became injured. Being at the gym was helpful in my rehabilitation.  I started C25K again in March.

The semester ended and summer began! Yay! I signed up for a summer class.  An Art class I need to meet my degree requirements.  It was a surprising and enjoyable class.  I spent a day at the Museum with my guys.  Such a wonderful day.

Because I missed running the Rock N Roll Marathon Series in New Orleans due to  my injury we deferred those funds and travel plans to go on a proper vacation.  We went to the Grand Canyon. There are no words to describe it.  Awe Inspiring isn't enough.  The colors, the depth, the beauty, the views, the vistas, the cliffs, the history. It took my breath away.  While we were there I was fortunate enough to meet up with a friend from the past, way back.  She was like my other mother.  She was my best friends mother.  I grew up across the street from her.  She is one of my fondest memories from childhood.   It was such a joy to catch up with her.

I finished up the summer semester and had a few weeks off before The Adhesives sophomore year began and my next semester as well.  The Adhesive began new medication and due to his lack of motivation to obtain his drivers license he rides the bus to and from school.

It wasn't until September that it hit me.  There had been sad times in during the year, moments that hurt my heart.  And for how crazy it sounds, I cried on my birthday because my dad didn't call me.  #thanksdad  #ijustcanteven

The sorrow continued throughout the remainder of the year.   My husband and I attended Re|Engage, it was helpful, but overwhelming.  It was sorta in the middle of that I realized it was too much for me. And that I'm an introvert, like, seriously.  It was a good class but it was too loud and too many people and too raw.  I thought I could get a tattoo and call my grief over.  Re|Engage brought back a lot of memories and questions.  

Running really helped me to get through these times, this year.  My runner girls kept me going, listened to me,  hugged me tight through the tears, logged the miles with me.

I was chosen to be in the Mentor Program at Collin College in October.  It has been such a wonderful opportunity.  My mentor has helped me realize my potential and, well mentored me.    I ran a 5K with my niece in October.  It was so fun I really enjoyed spending time with her.  She's a beautiful and bright young lady.   October also brought with it normal.  Normal.  For the first time since before dad died we had a Family Day, although everyone wasn't available, it was fun!  My family, my brother and his girlfriend, The Rents we went to the pumpkin patch, took pictures, laughed.so.hard, went on the hay ride, ate hot dogs and pumpkin fudge.  Such an outstanding day!

The next weekend I ran with my BFF at White Rock Lake.  It was her goal to Loop The Lake on her birthday!  And we made it!! All the way around!  So proud of her!!

In November The Adhesive approached a milestone, he turned 16.  How did we get here?   I spent the day with my sister and The Adhesive spent the day with his friends playing AirSoft.  Back to normal. Normal, I need more of it.   We made plans to get together for Thanksgiving and we all showed up! All the siblings, spouses and kids!  Normal.  We laughed so hard, we took pictures, we ate good food.
My guys left from there to go out of town and I spent the weekend doing homework in silence.   So.Needed!   Musical season has begun! I met my sister at fair park for Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.  

The first Friday of December I had a tour and admissions appointment with Texas Women's University.  Oh. Em. Gee!  This is becoming a reality.  Y'all I could live in the library! I wonder if they allow such a thing? Maybe I could be the first! :)  

My sister and I attended the next musical Christmas Extravaganza.  It was so fun!  Afterwards,  we met up at my brothers house for Normal.  Our sibling Christmas day.  All the siblings, spouses and kids.  Yummy food and lots of laughs, hugs, and joy, real joy, beautiful memories and normal.

A year that began sorrow ended in joy.

Psalm 30: 5b Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

You may not know how long the night will last, but you are always promised morning.  Morning will always come.

I wrote out my #SOULultions for 2016

Embrace GraceEngage Gratitude
Be Available 
Believe the best (of myself and others)
Break Free from worn out cycles
Daily Connections 
Do hard things
Let Go of the outcome 
Learn to be vulnerable 
Live authentically 
Give of myself
Grow stronger

I did some of this well, consistently.  Others, not so much.  Progress.  Making progress is the goal every year.  I took two or three steps forward, and only one or two back.

2017.... #SOULutions

Top Three:  Embrace Imperfect.  Eight classes and 3.25 or above GPA.   Run 850 miles.

The One Where I Do Some Housekeeping and {I. Just. Can't. Even}

Well, well, well... once again I have neglected my blog(s).  Yea that has an "s" on the end.  

Although The Nester passed the torch last year, and oh, it's not October.  I do plan on picking a topic and writing about it in November.   Topic to be chosen and revealed soon.

Onto I Just Can't Even.

I just can't even believe it's November 2016.  Last year was so.... so.... hard.  If hard is even a word for it.  It was like the passage in Ephesian about the full armor, the term Shod.  Part of the greek for that word is deo, metaphorically speaking means to prevent one from standing upright.   That's what 2015 was.

And not here it is November.  Time has passed.  I decided in June that there was no more weeping. Yes, I was sad and I would have periods of sadness.  However, the inability to stand upright was over. To signify the shift, I got a tattoo! First not as bad as I thought it would be.  I had a great experience.  I met a friend there, she helped me to be brave.   She was going through a rough time and I was looking forward with hope.   You can see the tattoo here.

Soon after that summer turns into fall, school begins and my birthday month begins!  This year it hit me hard.  Last year I was in shock and the pain was more.than.I.could.bare.   This year I was just sad.  It's as though I expected to hear from my dad.  The phone didn't ring.  There was no card.  There was no joking about my age and if I were older, then so was he.  Just sadness.

For the first time in a long time, most of my family gathered.  My sweet people, my brother and his girlfriend, my BFF from forever, a few cousins, and one of my study partners.  Make your own pizza and devour cookies!  Because birthdays are for birthday cookies!  So. Yum!
Lots of laughter, and love, and togetherness.  It was so needed.

The following Sunday, on my way to church (and the day before my birthday) driving next to me, is a Prime Truck.  #ThanksDad  He didn't call, he drove up right next to me.  Well, in spirit.   And I. Just. Can't. Even.

The One Where {I. Just. Can't. Even}

And shots ring out when they shouldn't. And hearts ache when they shouldn't. And Wounds. Gape. Open and the past oozes out as if fresh and new. It grabs us by the throat until there is no more sound, until life is gone and hope fades

And it is harrowing and it hurts And. It. Should. Not. Be. Like. This.

And there is no hope coming to save us... to save him

And there is no peace for the weary, the worn out,  the rung out....

There is no hope for those cornered.

And as the flicker of the candle fades, there is no dawn coming.  There is only darkness, there is only hiding, there is only fear.

And God cries out Where Are You? To those who's finding is urgent, for those who are hiding, wrestling, wandering

And no matter where you are or what you are hiding, covering, concealing, carrying. The Finder is always coming.

The Seeking, The Savior is still coming to Seek and Save.  In this and for this hear and now. Especially in this, especially for this, especially because of this. For those hiding, hurting, hoping.

The people who walk in darkness will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine...  Isaiah 9:2

A light will shine.
A light.
The light.

There is hope.  A hope. Wait for it. Wait for Him.
He Is Always Coming.

This is dedicated to my dad who I miss every day.

The One Where I.Can't.Even - A Series

So, it's been awhile since I blogged.  Since I made my declaration about blogging more and setting up goals a lot has happened.  Well just one thing that has brought down the house... so to speak.

I'd decided to go to bed early Friday, March 20th.  I just needed to rest.  I was so tired in fact that I didn't plug my phone in or turn it on Do Not Disturb.   The phone rang at 11:04pm, I was disoriented so I didn't at first realize what it was.

I woke up, looked at my phone, it was my brother, and he'd left a voice mail.  I didn't listen to the voice mail.... who does that these days?  I just called him back. I got his voice mail.  I text him.  No reply.  But he doesn't have an iPhone he's with Sprint and unable to receive texts if he's on the phone.

I listened to the message.   First he's mad that he can't get either of his siblings on the phone at 11PM, then he says it, the words that have changed our lives.... Dad Is Dead.

And I cry out Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Over and over and knelt down on the side of my bed, unconsolable....

I call my brother back and speak with him.  He doesn't have many details, only what our cousin relayed to him about the "scene"

I get in touch with Mike and here's what we know.  Dad's apartment had flooded a few months back from the upstairs apt., the complex had scheduled him to move into another apartment so they could renovate his.  A co-worker called around 3:30 to say they were on the way to help him move.  When they got there, dad didn't answer.  After several attempts to contact dad, they left and decided to come back later.  Dad works second shift, although he shouldn't have been asleep, maybe they thought he was asleep.

A few hours later they called his boss (and nephew) who went over to the apartment, they called, knocked on the door, knocked on the windows, yelled for him.  No answer.  They called the manager for a well check.  Couldn't get them, so they called the police.  The police arrived around 7:00 PM; after a few minutes came out and said he'd passed away.

My dad lives two states over.  Saturday my sister and I made plans to head to Mississippi to handle the funeral arrangements and dad's estate.  My brother, brother in law, husband and kids would follow later in the week.

That's how it began.... the story unfolding.... the web of lies..... the hole in my heart.... the sorrow..... the pieces fitting together.... the confusion..... the shame...... the burden carried for so long......

The drive to Mississippi was surreal. My sister and I laughed and cried and sang and ate junk food and reminisced about the past and wondered what happened to dad.   It has been years since we'd had an sisters road trip.  It was fun in an odd way.

We arrived at our Aunts house, to a full meal... at 10:30, a full meal! Not left overs. A meal!  That's just how this family is.  Food in important, especially at a time like this.

And they told us the news.  What happened.  And I.Can't.Even.