And shots ring out when they shouldn't. And hearts ache when they shouldn't. And Wounds. Gape. Open and the past oozes out as if fresh and new. It grabs us by the throat until there is no more sound, until life is gone and hope fades
And it is harrowing and it hurts And. It. Should. Not. Be. Like. This.
And there is no hope coming to save us... to save him
And there is no peace for the weary, the worn out, the rung out....
There is no hope for those cornered.
And as the flicker of the candle fades, there is no dawn coming. There is only darkness, there is only hiding, there is only fear.
And God cries out Where Are You? To those who's finding is urgent, for those who are hiding, wrestling, wandering
And no matter where you are or what you are hiding, covering, concealing, carrying. The Finder is always coming.
The Seeking, The Savior is still coming to Seek and Save. In this and for this hear and now. Especially in this, especially for this, especially because of this. For those hiding, hurting, hoping.
The people who walk in darkness will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine... Isaiah 9:2
A light will shine.
A light.
The light.
There is hope. A hope. Wait for it. Wait for Him.
He Is Always Coming.
This is dedicated to my dad who I miss every day.
Showing posts with label #icanteven. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #icanteven. Show all posts
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
The One Where I.Can't.Even - A Series
So, it's been awhile since I blogged. Since I made my declaration about blogging more and setting up goals a lot has happened. Well just one thing that has brought down the house... so to speak.
I'd decided to go to bed early Friday, March 20th. I just needed to rest. I was so tired in fact that I didn't plug my phone in or turn it on Do Not Disturb. The phone rang at 11:04pm, I was disoriented so I didn't at first realize what it was.
I woke up, looked at my phone, it was my brother, and he'd left a voice mail. I didn't listen to the voice mail.... who does that these days? I just called him back. I got his voice mail. I text him. No reply. But he doesn't have an iPhone he's with Sprint and unable to receive texts if he's on the phone.
I listened to the message. First he's mad that he can't get either of his siblings on the phone at 11PM, then he says it, the words that have changed our lives.... Dad Is Dead.
And I cry out Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Over and over and knelt down on the side of my bed, unconsolable....
I call my brother back and speak with him. He doesn't have many details, only what our cousin relayed to him about the "scene"
I get in touch with Mike and here's what we know. Dad's apartment had flooded a few months back from the upstairs apt., the complex had scheduled him to move into another apartment so they could renovate his. A co-worker called around 3:30 to say they were on the way to help him move. When they got there, dad didn't answer. After several attempts to contact dad, they left and decided to come back later. Dad works second shift, although he shouldn't have been asleep, maybe they thought he was asleep.
A few hours later they called his boss (and nephew) who went over to the apartment, they called, knocked on the door, knocked on the windows, yelled for him. No answer. They called the manager for a well check. Couldn't get them, so they called the police. The police arrived around 7:00 PM; after a few minutes came out and said he'd passed away.
My dad lives two states over. Saturday my sister and I made plans to head to Mississippi to handle the funeral arrangements and dad's estate. My brother, brother in law, husband and kids would follow later in the week.
That's how it began.... the story unfolding.... the web of lies..... the hole in my heart.... the sorrow..... the pieces fitting together.... the confusion..... the shame...... the burden carried for so long......
The drive to Mississippi was surreal. My sister and I laughed and cried and sang and ate junk food and reminisced about the past and wondered what happened to dad. It has been years since we'd had an sisters road trip. It was fun in an odd way.
We arrived at our Aunts house, to a full meal... at 10:30, a full meal! Not left overs. A meal! That's just how this family is. Food in important, especially at a time like this.
And they told us the news. What happened. And I.Can't.Even.
I'd decided to go to bed early Friday, March 20th. I just needed to rest. I was so tired in fact that I didn't plug my phone in or turn it on Do Not Disturb. The phone rang at 11:04pm, I was disoriented so I didn't at first realize what it was.
I woke up, looked at my phone, it was my brother, and he'd left a voice mail. I didn't listen to the voice mail.... who does that these days? I just called him back. I got his voice mail. I text him. No reply. But he doesn't have an iPhone he's with Sprint and unable to receive texts if he's on the phone.
I listened to the message. First he's mad that he can't get either of his siblings on the phone at 11PM, then he says it, the words that have changed our lives.... Dad Is Dead.
And I cry out Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! Over and over and knelt down on the side of my bed, unconsolable....
I call my brother back and speak with him. He doesn't have many details, only what our cousin relayed to him about the "scene"
I get in touch with Mike and here's what we know. Dad's apartment had flooded a few months back from the upstairs apt., the complex had scheduled him to move into another apartment so they could renovate his. A co-worker called around 3:30 to say they were on the way to help him move. When they got there, dad didn't answer. After several attempts to contact dad, they left and decided to come back later. Dad works second shift, although he shouldn't have been asleep, maybe they thought he was asleep.
A few hours later they called his boss (and nephew) who went over to the apartment, they called, knocked on the door, knocked on the windows, yelled for him. No answer. They called the manager for a well check. Couldn't get them, so they called the police. The police arrived around 7:00 PM; after a few minutes came out and said he'd passed away.
My dad lives two states over. Saturday my sister and I made plans to head to Mississippi to handle the funeral arrangements and dad's estate. My brother, brother in law, husband and kids would follow later in the week.
That's how it began.... the story unfolding.... the web of lies..... the hole in my heart.... the sorrow..... the pieces fitting together.... the confusion..... the shame...... the burden carried for so long......
The drive to Mississippi was surreal. My sister and I laughed and cried and sang and ate junk food and reminisced about the past and wondered what happened to dad. It has been years since we'd had an sisters road trip. It was fun in an odd way.
We arrived at our Aunts house, to a full meal... at 10:30, a full meal! Not left overs. A meal! That's just how this family is. Food in important, especially at a time like this.
And they told us the news. What happened. And I.Can't.Even.
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