The One Where I Look Back (2016 and beyond)

I had lofty goals for 2016.   I dove in deep into #SOULutions.   As 2015 came to an end I was very much in a #byefelicia mood.   Goodbye.  Good riddance.  So long.  Farewell.  Auf Wiedersehen. Good Night.

Twenty-sixteen began with tears.  I though that when the clocked ticked over that it would be magic. The a fairy godmother would wave her wand and twenty-fifteen would have just been a bad dream, I would be going to the ball with the handsome prince and life would be different.   Better.  Less Shocking.  Something else.

It was something else indeed.  The clock struck twelve oh one and I broke down.   This was the first moment of my life that I had to face a new year without a parent.   I didn't think it would hit me like that.  So painful.  So tragic.  So sorrowful.  Such a blow.   It wasn't over.   The shock was over and the sorrow snuck in, right under the glow of the New Years Eve ball drop.  Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, Tears.

There were lots of tears and sorrow in twenty-sixteen. There was also lots of laughs and enjoyable moments and surprising days and beautiful new memories.

A new semester began with my study girls in the same classes!! YAY!  They breathe life into these old bones, this dried out brain.

We joined Planet Fitness about the same time The Adhesive began working at a local fast food joint. We worked out faithfully.  I kept running long distance and well it's no surprise that I became injured. Being at the gym was helpful in my rehabilitation.  I started C25K again in March.

The semester ended and summer began! Yay! I signed up for a summer class.  An Art class I need to meet my degree requirements.  It was a surprising and enjoyable class.  I spent a day at the Museum with my guys.  Such a wonderful day.

Because I missed running the Rock N Roll Marathon Series in New Orleans due to  my injury we deferred those funds and travel plans to go on a proper vacation.  We went to the Grand Canyon. There are no words to describe it.  Awe Inspiring isn't enough.  The colors, the depth, the beauty, the views, the vistas, the cliffs, the history. It took my breath away.  While we were there I was fortunate enough to meet up with a friend from the past, way back.  She was like my other mother.  She was my best friends mother.  I grew up across the street from her.  She is one of my fondest memories from childhood.   It was such a joy to catch up with her.

I finished up the summer semester and had a few weeks off before The Adhesives sophomore year began and my next semester as well.  The Adhesive began new medication and due to his lack of motivation to obtain his drivers license he rides the bus to and from school.

It wasn't until September that it hit me.  There had been sad times in during the year, moments that hurt my heart.  And for how crazy it sounds, I cried on my birthday because my dad didn't call me.  #thanksdad  #ijustcanteven

The sorrow continued throughout the remainder of the year.   My husband and I attended Re|Engage, it was helpful, but overwhelming.  It was sorta in the middle of that I realized it was too much for me. And that I'm an introvert, like, seriously.  It was a good class but it was too loud and too many people and too raw.  I thought I could get a tattoo and call my grief over.  Re|Engage brought back a lot of memories and questions.  

Running really helped me to get through these times, this year.  My runner girls kept me going, listened to me,  hugged me tight through the tears, logged the miles with me.

I was chosen to be in the Mentor Program at Collin College in October.  It has been such a wonderful opportunity.  My mentor has helped me realize my potential and, well mentored me.    I ran a 5K with my niece in October.  It was so fun I really enjoyed spending time with her.  She's a beautiful and bright young lady.   October also brought with it normal.  Normal.  For the first time since before dad died we had a Family Day, although everyone wasn't available, it was fun!  My family, my brother and his girlfriend, The Rents we went to the pumpkin patch, took pictures, laughed.so.hard, went on the hay ride, ate hot dogs and pumpkin fudge.  Such an outstanding day!

The next weekend I ran with my BFF at White Rock Lake.  It was her goal to Loop The Lake on her birthday!  And we made it!! All the way around!  So proud of her!!

In November The Adhesive approached a milestone, he turned 16.  How did we get here?   I spent the day with my sister and The Adhesive spent the day with his friends playing AirSoft.  Back to normal. Normal, I need more of it.   We made plans to get together for Thanksgiving and we all showed up! All the siblings, spouses and kids!  Normal.  We laughed so hard, we took pictures, we ate good food.
My guys left from there to go out of town and I spent the weekend doing homework in silence.   So.Needed!   Musical season has begun! I met my sister at fair park for Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.  

The first Friday of December I had a tour and admissions appointment with Texas Women's University.  Oh. Em. Gee!  This is becoming a reality.  Y'all I could live in the library! I wonder if they allow such a thing? Maybe I could be the first! :)  

My sister and I attended the next musical Christmas Extravaganza.  It was so fun!  Afterwards,  we met up at my brothers house for Normal.  Our sibling Christmas day.  All the siblings, spouses and kids.  Yummy food and lots of laughs, hugs, and joy, real joy, beautiful memories and normal.

A year that began sorrow ended in joy.

Psalm 30: 5b Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

You may not know how long the night will last, but you are always promised morning.  Morning will always come.

I wrote out my #SOULultions for 2016

Embrace GraceEngage Gratitude
Be Available 
Believe the best (of myself and others)
Break Free from worn out cycles
Daily Connections 
Do hard things
Let Go of the outcome 
Learn to be vulnerable 
Live authentically 
Give of myself
Grow stronger

I did some of this well, consistently.  Others, not so much.  Progress.  Making progress is the goal every year.  I took two or three steps forward, and only one or two back.

2017.... #SOULutions

Top Three:  Embrace Imperfect.  Eight classes and 3.25 or above GPA.   Run 850 miles.

The One Where It's Not About Merit

I didn't study for my blog this week. I commented on the SRT devotional, these are my comments; I decided to share them here.

 

Wednesday: Jonah Chapter 3: 5-10, 1 Timothy 1: 15-16

 

I'm a little late to the Jonah study. It's been an interesting few weeks. But sisters I'm here to tell you. GOD IS FAITHFUL!! School situation: worked out smoothly. Work situation. Well, working out, but I received confirmation yesterday that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. God is good! 

By the looks of my bible I haven't studies Jonah all that much. I have two notes. I've watched veggie tales more than I've spent time in these four chapters. But what I do have is awesome. 

Grace: an unobligated giver giving something remarkable to the undeserving. 

I know this is chapter 3. But my notes on 2:7-9 says God uses the defeated to do great things!  (This is something I need to hear, often.  Because I feel so defeated and unqualified). 

I love how chapter 3 begins with... Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time..... Doesn't it always?  A 2nd time, a 20th time, a 245th time, a 2,764th time, or Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes times a year! 

Thank you Rebecca, I have new notes in my bible. :) repentance is about what God is doing, NOT about merit! 

Because I've begged to differ with our brother Paul on who's the chiefest, I feel often times that I have more feathers in my headdress than he does.  I like Paul, understood rules, and followed them (mostly).  I like Paul, have held cloaks while bludgeoning others with "the gospel rules"  Thinking of myself much higher and mightier because I'm a Christian, look at me, I go to church, I read by bible, I listen to only Christian music loudly so others can hear it, I follow rules.

I don't know how to say this other than to say it. I've felt the nudging to confess something to y'all for a while. Not because I need to confess it, but because someone needs to hear it. Because repentance isn't about merit. It isn't about earning your way into grace. No matter what you've done or what you will do, if you are in Christ there is therefore no condemnation. 

If we think gouging eyes out is bad, well then I'm going straight to hell. And I used to believe that, all day, every day, begging for Gods forgiveness. I'd read my bible. I'd try to be a good church lady, you know the kind that are so full of The Lord that they practically float instead of walk, I prayed for hours, I went to church, I watched church on television. I listened to church on the radio. Because I desperately wanted grace and mercy.  I wanted to live in the Freedom that others talked about. Even if that means I sit in the corner and wear the dunce hat in heaven. Maybe if I was good enough I'd get to touch the hem of His robe? Or like Moses (my fellow murderer) I'd get glimpse of His back? 

My former life can be described like this: 

 

Sex, drugs, rock n roll and 2 abortions later. 

  

Yeah. I said the A word out loud. And I've spent years idolizing condemnation because I didn't believe that forgiveness, that grace or mercy was for me. Then I took a class called Forgiven and Set Free, then I taught it for several years. And The Light started to come on.  (a new study is out now called Surrender The Secret and a video about it is here and if that weren't enough the phone number is 1-866-482-LIFE)

 

I encourage you to surrender the secret today, to someone, freedom is yours! I promise! Email me, or call the number above, find a study near you. 

 

Sisters, I say sisters because the statistic is 1 in 4 women have had an abortion, all women, not "those women" all women in North America, yes "church women" too. There's more than 4 of us here, I can't be the only one!

Sisters, do not wait years or another moment in the corner with the dunce hat on!! First off, that's my corner! J/K I'll share it! I welcome the company of the Forgiven and Set Free! Forgiveness is for You! Today! Right Now! Walk in the Freedom Christ died to give you! It Is For Freedom Christ Set You Free! 

It's not about your merit. It's not about what you can do or what you have done. It's not about how far you can run.  It's about His Grace! Receive it today!

 

Thursday:  Jonah Chapter 4: 1-11

 

I like the notes in my bible. I like it that someone said to me recently that my bible is the biggest bible they've ever seen. Ha! I think they must be a young person.... Bless them. ;) 

It's an ESV study bible. The notes on Jonah are so good. The theme of Jonah it says is: The Lord is a God of boundless compassion not just for "us" (Jonah and the Israelites) bur also for "them" (the pagan sailors and Ninevites). Pierced. (My words not the theme) 

I've been such an "us" and "them" Christian for so long. Not because I want to keep others out. It's that like Jonah, I've been prideful of my "status" wondering why God has mercy on "them" I mean really, why isn't "Nineveh" burning down yet? 

Ugh. God forgive me!!! 

I think for a while, although I was prideful, I was also ashamed of the gospel, because I do have compassion for others to the point of weeping. But I don't want them to see that. That makes me a cry baby for Jesus without any real substance of why I believe.

 

So I take the hard core theological route, well that makes me a lunatic. And if I were just real and authentic, people might see that I have chinks in the armor, it might expose my soft underbelly and I could be hurt. And I've been hurting for a long time.

Then I realized the kind of "hurt" God is calling me to isn't the kind I'd experienced in the past. He promises to take care of these things when I live authentically. 

At the IF:Gathering. Jen Hatmaker said something that stuck with me. 

Clue #1 that your life is off mission. It is costing you NOTHING! 

For a long time it's cost me nothing. Serving safe people and blessing blessed people. It's time to make the three day journey to Nineveh! Amen!!

I hope that the only thing burning is my desire for God and that it causes flames to erupt everywhere I go!  Not because of me but become of Him!

Repentance is about what God is doing, Not about Merit!

The One Where I Ask My Dog To Be A Giraffe

Ooops I mean The One Where I'm Not Shocked By The Grammy's.

A friend of mine phoned Monday and was in a ruckus about The Grammys.  Did I see the show? Did I see the couples "ceremony"? Did I see Beyoncé and Jay-Z? Did I see Katy Perry's performance?

Oh.My.God!! What is the world coming to!! How much lower will it sink until it implodes on itself?  The Horror!! My eyes are bleeding!

Me.... sigh.... really?

Really? The Christian world is all upset because the fallen world behaved...well...fallen.

It's the Grammy's, It's not Church!  It's not a Billy Graham Crusade!  Christian Artists were there, although I prefer Switch Foot's stance on the Christian Music issue, some weren't, some left, some decided this event wasn't for them.

There's a large debate about Natalie Grant leaving and tweeting about it.  Lots of "good for her"  "what a real Christian" comments.  I'm neither here nor there about her going, staying or leaving.  If you want to leave, leave. But don't tweet and facebook about it, it just stirs up controversy where none is necessary.

This was the 56th annual Grammy's.  It comes on every year, hence the word annual.  Surely people watch it.  Christians have seen it at least once in the past 56 years.  I'm not quite 56 years old, but I can tell you I've seen it at least 30 times if not more.  I know what to expect.  In the past 5-10 years or so, there's been an "up the ante" attitude about who wore what and how little of it, who was the most inappropriate, who had the best performance, who had the worst, you get the picture...

People, even Christian people have seen it.   When you accept the invitation to go to the Grammy's you know that you're not going to church.  You shouldn't expect robes, habits, choirs or a message from the bible.   You probably will be offended by performances, by language, by lack of clothing and other worldly ways.

But here's my question:  Why are we (Christians) so shocked that a fallen world acts fallen?  Why is the world vilified because it doesn't live up to Biblical Standards?

Why is the world expected to live up to standards that the Christian doesn't?  Ok, so there are homosexuals, is that really rocking your world?  How many Christian men are addicted to pornography?  How many Christian women are addicted to pain medication?  How many Christians had sex before marriage? How many Christian women (and men) were involved in abortion?  Before you bust out with an answer.....
The abortion stat: 1 in 4 women.  Not "the world" but 1 in 4 of all human beings in the North America who are women (and men) regardless of their religious stance.

So what there was an "equality marriage" ceremony! So what?! How is that affecting your daily life?   Your walk with God?  Honestly?  If you watched the majority of couples were mixed race. 

We set up a Biblical Standard before an unbelieving world and hold them to it, vilify them for not living up to it, while we cower under grace.   We get our feathers ruffled because they aren't like us, guess what.... they aren't supposed to be.

I liken that to punishing my cocker spaniel because he's not a giraffe.   Be a giraffe!! Be Taller!! Be a giraffe!! Eat Leaves!  Why aren't you a giraffe!?

The world is coming to an end!  Yea, I know, it's been coming to an end since the beginning.  And until there's two angels visiting my house telling me that my city will be destroyed because there aren't even 5 righteous people to be found in it, I think it's safe to say things are pretty good here in the old USA. 

Deteriorating from it's original design, I'll give you that.  However, that's been going on since the garden.  So why all the feigned offense?  It should be no surprise that "the world" live up to Christian Standards.

There's all this clinching of fists, and ruffled feathers, and audible gasps, and holier than thou going around.  When last I checked the only standard is the one where we can't live up to it and are in need of a Savior.  Why is there the propensity to hold the world up to a standard we can't and don't live up to?

Dog Be A Giraffe!  Non Christian Act Like A Christian! Live up to my Christian Standard! Wear all your clothes! Live up to my Christian Standard! Stop swearing!  Live up to my Christian Standard!  Stop dancing, especially on TV!

This attitude doesn't promote change.  People don't come to Christ because of a set of rules, but because of His Kindness.

I heard this song today, I think it's fitting for the occasion.

Alternate Route: Nothing More

To be humble, to be kind.
It is the giving of the peace in your mind.
To a stranger, To a friend
To give in such a way that has no end.
We are Love
We are One
We are how we treat each other when the day is done.
We are Peace
We are War
We are how we treat each other and Nothing More
To be bold, to be brave.
It is the thinking that the heart can still be saved
And the darkness can come quick
The Dangers in the Anger and the hanging on to it.
We are Love
We are One
We are how we treat each other when the day is done.
We are Peace
We are War
We are how we treat each other and Nothing More
Tell me what it is that you see
A world that’s filled with endless possibilities?
Heroes don’t look they used to, they look like you do.
We are Love
We are One
We are how we treat each other when the day is done.
We are Peace
We are War
We are how we treat each other and Nothing More