The One Where It's Not About Merit

I didn't study for my blog this week. I commented on the SRT devotional, these are my comments; I decided to share them here.

 

Wednesday: Jonah Chapter 3: 5-10, 1 Timothy 1: 15-16

 

I'm a little late to the Jonah study. It's been an interesting few weeks. But sisters I'm here to tell you. GOD IS FAITHFUL!! School situation: worked out smoothly. Work situation. Well, working out, but I received confirmation yesterday that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. God is good! 

By the looks of my bible I haven't studies Jonah all that much. I have two notes. I've watched veggie tales more than I've spent time in these four chapters. But what I do have is awesome. 

Grace: an unobligated giver giving something remarkable to the undeserving. 

I know this is chapter 3. But my notes on 2:7-9 says God uses the defeated to do great things!  (This is something I need to hear, often.  Because I feel so defeated and unqualified). 

I love how chapter 3 begins with... Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time..... Doesn't it always?  A 2nd time, a 20th time, a 245th time, a 2,764th time, or Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes times a year! 

Thank you Rebecca, I have new notes in my bible. :) repentance is about what God is doing, NOT about merit! 

Because I've begged to differ with our brother Paul on who's the chiefest, I feel often times that I have more feathers in my headdress than he does.  I like Paul, understood rules, and followed them (mostly).  I like Paul, have held cloaks while bludgeoning others with "the gospel rules"  Thinking of myself much higher and mightier because I'm a Christian, look at me, I go to church, I read by bible, I listen to only Christian music loudly so others can hear it, I follow rules.

I don't know how to say this other than to say it. I've felt the nudging to confess something to y'all for a while. Not because I need to confess it, but because someone needs to hear it. Because repentance isn't about merit. It isn't about earning your way into grace. No matter what you've done or what you will do, if you are in Christ there is therefore no condemnation. 

If we think gouging eyes out is bad, well then I'm going straight to hell. And I used to believe that, all day, every day, begging for Gods forgiveness. I'd read my bible. I'd try to be a good church lady, you know the kind that are so full of The Lord that they practically float instead of walk, I prayed for hours, I went to church, I watched church on television. I listened to church on the radio. Because I desperately wanted grace and mercy.  I wanted to live in the Freedom that others talked about. Even if that means I sit in the corner and wear the dunce hat in heaven. Maybe if I was good enough I'd get to touch the hem of His robe? Or like Moses (my fellow murderer) I'd get glimpse of His back? 

My former life can be described like this: 

 

Sex, drugs, rock n roll and 2 abortions later. 

  

Yeah. I said the A word out loud. And I've spent years idolizing condemnation because I didn't believe that forgiveness, that grace or mercy was for me. Then I took a class called Forgiven and Set Free, then I taught it for several years. And The Light started to come on.  (a new study is out now called Surrender The Secret and a video about it is here and if that weren't enough the phone number is 1-866-482-LIFE)

 

I encourage you to surrender the secret today, to someone, freedom is yours! I promise! Email me, or call the number above, find a study near you. 

 

Sisters, I say sisters because the statistic is 1 in 4 women have had an abortion, all women, not "those women" all women in North America, yes "church women" too. There's more than 4 of us here, I can't be the only one!

Sisters, do not wait years or another moment in the corner with the dunce hat on!! First off, that's my corner! J/K I'll share it! I welcome the company of the Forgiven and Set Free! Forgiveness is for You! Today! Right Now! Walk in the Freedom Christ died to give you! It Is For Freedom Christ Set You Free! 

It's not about your merit. It's not about what you can do or what you have done. It's not about how far you can run.  It's about His Grace! Receive it today!

 

Thursday:  Jonah Chapter 4: 1-11

 

I like the notes in my bible. I like it that someone said to me recently that my bible is the biggest bible they've ever seen. Ha! I think they must be a young person.... Bless them. ;) 

It's an ESV study bible. The notes on Jonah are so good. The theme of Jonah it says is: The Lord is a God of boundless compassion not just for "us" (Jonah and the Israelites) bur also for "them" (the pagan sailors and Ninevites). Pierced. (My words not the theme) 

I've been such an "us" and "them" Christian for so long. Not because I want to keep others out. It's that like Jonah, I've been prideful of my "status" wondering why God has mercy on "them" I mean really, why isn't "Nineveh" burning down yet? 

Ugh. God forgive me!!! 

I think for a while, although I was prideful, I was also ashamed of the gospel, because I do have compassion for others to the point of weeping. But I don't want them to see that. That makes me a cry baby for Jesus without any real substance of why I believe.

 

So I take the hard core theological route, well that makes me a lunatic. And if I were just real and authentic, people might see that I have chinks in the armor, it might expose my soft underbelly and I could be hurt. And I've been hurting for a long time.

Then I realized the kind of "hurt" God is calling me to isn't the kind I'd experienced in the past. He promises to take care of these things when I live authentically. 

At the IF:Gathering. Jen Hatmaker said something that stuck with me. 

Clue #1 that your life is off mission. It is costing you NOTHING! 

For a long time it's cost me nothing. Serving safe people and blessing blessed people. It's time to make the three day journey to Nineveh! Amen!!

I hope that the only thing burning is my desire for God and that it causes flames to erupt everywhere I go!  Not because of me but become of Him!

Repentance is about what God is doing, Not about Merit!

The One Where I Run To Tarshish

Lately I don't know which end is up.  I'm working a new job that I really like but also feel very inadequate at.  It's part time and although I'm five weeks in, I've only worked about 70 hours. I feel as though I should already know everything and be proficient at it and I'm not.  I'm constantly having conversations with my boss about the small things that are going wrong.

This is discouraging.  

I don't think I've ever had this many conversations in my entire working career about how many things aren't going well in less than two weeks of work.  But because I've been there five weeks, it seems as though I should be rolling along okay.

I've made two major mistakes.  I don't know how to handle them.  I want to quit.  I want to give up.  Maybe you can't teach old dogs new tricks.

The She Reads Truth gals are in Jonah right now.  This is what I wrote on their comments yesterday:

First an update: The school situation is better, I hope. The meeting went well. Thank you to this community for encouraging me. 

Second: fix one leak in the dam another place springs a leak. My job is just all kinds of crazy, I feel inadequate. I had many reservations about taking this job and now I feel like all those reservations were correct. I don't know how to handle it. There are several things that have come up that I honestly don't want to handle and like Jonah… 

I. Want. To. Run. Please God let me run. Let me say all of my excuses and run. I don't want to do this, I don't want to face this. I want to run. It's not about mercy, it's about fear right now. I'm scared I can't do this and I can't do it well. I'm worried about the relationships this affects. I got the job through my sister who is a client of my boss…. I just want to run. 

I'm not angry with her and God knows she could use a witness to tell her about God's Mercy. She deserves it. I have no qualms about that… I'm not asking for hellfire and brimstone on her….. But oh how I want to run from this. I don't feel peace about staying and I have less peace about quitting. I'm also not too interested in being swallowed up by a whale…. but running seems like a good option right now. 

Lord Jesus…. help me through this! I'm definitely sinking in the sand, on the waves, too far from the shore where it's not safe. 

Maybe I will rue the day I said: 
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 
Let me walk upon the waters 
Where ever you would call me 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger 
In the presence of my Savior. 

So I will call upon your name……

My word for the year is Trust.  I don't know how to do that right now.  I'm not sure what that looks like right now.  I have notes in my bible that say:  The definition of love is to know someone's needs and meet them.  So how do you love God?  Trust.

I definitely feel as though my trust is without borders right now.  My calling is silent.  To fearful to go forward, to embarrassed to go back.   Questioning, do I really want stronger faith?  But I'm sinking.

I. am. sinking 

 

I realize this isn't a devotional or a teaching on Jonah.  But this is how I've felt lately.  I wrote this yesterday while I was in the throws of feeling like I couldn't face the day.  I had a few things happen yesterday that tells me God Is Still Faithful.  As if I had doubts about it.   But don't we I?


Today I'm still shaky and trying to get my sea legs, but I think it's probably not the best idea to "flee from the presence of the Lord".  Maybe I should get comfortable in the belly of the whale; the storm is coming, or rather I'm experiencing it.  I'm in it.  Do I throw myself into the sea?  Do I trust that God has "prepared a great fish" for me?  (the girl with the dunce hat on?)

It doesn't have to be a great fish, I only need to know that God Is Prepared!