The One Where I'm Surrounded.

Lately I've had conversions that are laced with tears and anxiety. Fear and worry.  But a new thing has happened.....

I'm part of a community that surrounds me with Truth, a soft place to land, encouragement for the journey, an ear, a shoulder to cry on, space to fall apart and people who don't recoil about it. 

I've had more than one person tell me I've inspired them. To keep going, don't give up. That they believe in me when I don't believe in myself.... Or anything.

Some of these people I've known for years, some for a few years, others only on line. 

This blog post from Amanda at SheReadsTruth http://shereadstruth.com/2014/10/14/stand/ really helped me to see I'm not alone and I've been trying my hardest to 'hold it together'.  This life, these kids, this marriage, this job, these chores, piles of laundry and dishes and things undone. 

I am undone and I'm finding out that undone is okay, I'm not holding it together. :)  

There at people and texts and phone calls and emails and meetings for coffee that tell me I don't have to hold it together. And it's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be in community. Sometimes that means surrounding others and other times it means being surrounded. 

Thankful I'm surrounded today. :) 

The One Where I'm Barely Holding On

I don't know where to begin. And I'm not sure where the beginning would be anyway.....

Stress Fracture. 

Stress. A mental strain or disruption. Emotional pressure suffered by a human being. 

Fracture. The act of breaking. Something that has broken. 

A stress fracture. I have a stress fracture in one of the smallest bones of the body. Yet in one of the most important places.  

You don't think about your big toe, the function it serves, the stability it gives you until it's gone. 

But it's smaller than that. These two bones called the sesamoids. They are basically the patella of the toe. A bone imbedded in the tendon.  They act like a pulley, providing a smooth surface for the tendons to glide over. They help the big toe move and provide stability when you 'push off' during running (or walking).  They are flat, disc/egg shaped about the size of a popcorn kernel. 

Yet when they don't work properly. It feels like you're walking on a popcorn kernel!! 

I love popcorn... This, not so much. 

I've been in the boot for 6 weeks. Had a follow up X-ray yesterday.  There's some healing. So there's that.  (Forces a smile) 

But it's not enough to get out of the boot or be active again. Or keep me from plumetting into a lower and lower depression and sense of hopelessness. 

Four more weeks in the boot and then another X-ray and then talk of surgery. I can't run again until there's no pain. If there's pain, stop and rest more and contemplate surgery. 

This is week one of four more weeks in the boot. 😞 

I have cried for 24 hours straight. I'm a blubbering depressed mess. 

Some may say... It's only running. What's the big deal. You'll run again someday. Be pateint. Keep your chin up.  Meh. 

Running keeps me sane. My world is usually on the cusp of spinning out of control at any moment. Running helps me get away. Shake it all off. Handle things better. I'm a better person because of running.  Running became my life partner five years ago.  Now it feels like running has moved away.

At first it was as if running went on a business trip, an interview in a new city. Now it feels like I've waved goodbye to a good friend pulling out of the drivenway.  

I don't have to stress out about life with running by my side.  Now what's left is life and stress and the stress of life with no relief. 

And I'm barely holding on. I'm barely getting through the day. One day down. Twenty-seven to go until I know if running is ever coming home. 

I assure you, I will never again pray to learn how to Be Still and Know.  Never. Ever. Again.  I don't want to be still. And this isn't the kind of still I had in mind.  For the record, I don't find this humorous.  Although I'm sure God is getting a good laugh. 

And Know.... And know what exactly? That life is one series of disappointments after another.... A lesson I'm becoming more familiar with every day. Every.Damn.Day. 

All that's left now is Disruption and Something that is Broken. 

The One Where I Say "Break The Mold!"

Let me begin with I'm a bad blogger.  I totally need a reminder to blog or something. I dunno, I tend to be a "subject matter" blogger.  I blog when I have something to say.

Today is one such day.

It's Fall Y'all in Texas.  Well it is for today anyway.  I should probably post pix of this... I won't because I need to dust.... but my house décor is "fall" related.  Oranges, purples, deep red hues.  Because I love Fall.  I was born in September and I think some of the best things  happen in September! 

Seasons change

Baseballs annual "Hunt for Red October" (is anyone else heartbroken over the way the A's have fallen apart, or how my Texas Rangers are in last place, when did we become "The Cubs" of baseball?)

Football season begins (Go Packers, Giants, Bears and Broncos - just cuz I'm in Texas doesn't mean I love the Cowboys...that's a blog for another day)

Oh and Seasons change.

I like the crispness of the air the way it ushers in a change in our focus.  Summer is over and we make this turn.... almost like a turn home after a long trip.  For me it's familiar, it's a settling in, a cozying up with a good book and a cool day kind of mentality.  It's not hurried. 

Noticing the décor in my kitchen today, as if I'd never seen it, I have these vines of leaves, on the tops of my cabinets, ya know where you put stuff, like greenery, plastic plants, decorative stuff that only gets dusted once a year. 

Anyway, the "greenery" at my house isn't so green, it's fall colors, red and orange and purple and hues that made me think of this place we're in as people.

These leaves are changing, alive and not dead, they haven't fallen to the ground, they are clinging to their life source.  They are fiery and bold and in your face, yet delicate and in process. 

Sometimes this happens in our own back yard, and other times we travel to see the beauty of the process.  There's an entire business of seeing this process and the viewers call it beautiful, breathtaking, phenomenal, vibrant, and beyond description.

Yet when that happens in life, when we're in process, we don't describe it much like that, do we?   We don't book vacations, charge the camera, pack a lunch, post to Instagram.  We don't marvel at it as though something beautiful happening before our very eyes.  Not in our self.  Not in others.

Stop and smell the roses they say!  I say Break The Mold!  Stop and watch the process of Fall, the delicate balance of becoming, the fragility of life, the boldness of clinging.  Notice it in yourself.  Be okay to proceed, become, cling.  Celebrate it in others.  Give them permission to proceed, become and the boldness to cling when needed.

Maybe to come on Instagram will be boring pictures of my stubborn Oak Tree, the one that is the last to lose it's leaves, still clinging to the old as buds of new life push them off and into the wind. 

Perhaps I'll have something more to say about it as we go into a new season.  :)  About the tree and maybe about me.

The One Where I Received The Message

So I've had that feeling lately. The one where I'm over connected and not connecting.  And I've seen two separate posts on Facebook about the aforementioned subject. 

The one that hit home the most was the craigslist ad by the NYC restaurant. 

http://news.distractify.com/culture/craigslist-surveillance-restaurant/?v=1

People (read: I) don't have common courtesy in this day and age. Taking pictures of food then complaining it's cold.  Bumping into one another, wasting the wait staffs time by taking photos. Not communicating, connecting with the person across the table, in the next chair, on the same couch.  Honestly what has the world come too? 

What has my world come to?  A group (or a few hundred) of friends I've never met.  Talking to people I have no real life connection with over the ones in the next room?  This shouldn't happen. This isn't how I grew up, made friends, kept friends for that matter. 

I feel like life has become like the esurance commercial with Beatrice. 

http://youtu.be/K5fn087Jk4I

At the end of the commercial it says, 'Welcome to the modern world'. 

There are lots of things in the modern world I'm very happy about. 

Electricity. 

Running water. 

Indoor plumbing. 

Dishwashers. 

Washing machines. 

Computers. 

Telecommuting. 

Cell phones. 

Smart phones too. 

But I feel like I'm trapped in a Wall-E of my own doing. Unsatisfied with the ordinary life going on around me because of the life less ordinary on this inches deep and wide screen. 

And it's not about envying or comparisons as much as it is not cultivating what's in front of me.  I can't click a 'like' button or 'unfollow' those around me.  

That stuff had to be worked out, hashed out, forgiven, loved deeply and so widely that it falls into open arms of acceptance, open mouths, eyes so open and connected to others that they hear you...

Hear you with the kind of listening you do in the dark of night and there's an unfamiliar noise in your house.  A pit of the soul that only comes from being connected with your surroundings and with the people that make life ordinary.  Ordinary in a way that is wonderful.  

Where when we share a meal it's in person, not on Instagram. When we're at a ballgame it's for the ambiance, the company we keep, the peanuts & laughter. (cuz if you're a Rangers fan in 2014, you're not there for the great pitching & home runs). Where 'checking in' means being checked in.  

I think it's time we (read: I) were more checked in.  I don't think the world will miss another status update, or tweet or mealtime photos. 

And in the words of Ferris Bueller: 

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

I don't want to miss it. So I'm signing off. 

Not completely, not permanently. But in a way that is more checked in. 

Maybe we'll enjoy the ambiance of baseball in Texas!  

The One Where I Use Socks

Written in my iPhone while camping. 

So yesterday I read another article about Phil Robertson preaching on I Corinthians 6.  Sigh 😞 

Yes I agree this is in the bible. Yes I agree with Paul. I'm not offended by the bible or that particular passage.   I have a biblical world view. I believe Jesus is the Son of God, came into the world as a human, lived as a human among the lost & broken, performed miracles, healed the sick, raised the dead, drank of the cup (he prayed to have taken from him), sweat blood, was sold out for 30 peices of silver, beaten, bruised, crucified, sin of the world on him, buried in a borrowed tomb, rose from the dead by the power of God three days later! 

Appeared to the disciples and then 500, and then thousands.  Ascended to heaven where He sits at the right hand of the Father and interceeds for us. 

This is the Jesus I know. This is the grace that draws me to Him. This is the heart of Christ for the world. 

So when I hear Mr. Robertson and others condemning entire groups of society, I take offense.  And have grown tired of the constant finger pointing. 

If you feel that homosexuals are sinning, living in sin, outside of the church, how do you also consider them brothers? 

To me it seems like some want it both ways.  

1. Outside the church, in the world, not under 'the church' 'Christian moral code, values'.  Therefore outside of the 'if your brother sins against you' 'if your brother is in sin confront him'  OR 

2. Inside the church. Like the Corinthians, who that letter was written to.  To the Church at Corinth.  People who are saved & sanctified.  Covered under grace. 

And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:11 ESV)

I'm not quoting the scriptures for the above, I'm on my phone, I don't know the exact verses off the top of my head... Maybe that means I'm not saved. (Cue the sarcasm) 

So if it's 1.  These people are outside the jurisdiction of the church, of the moral code, values.  Their life is honestly none of your business. They are not your brother, they are your neighbor. 

And if it's 2.  They are saved by grace. Should their sin be confronted? Yes. And so should they confront yours. In person, with love, with another brother. With compassion. Treating you the same way they would want to be treated.  How do you respond to finger wagging & accusation?  

Me? Not so well.

It's outside of my scope and ability to convict. That's the job of the Holy Spirit. 

I can trust Jesus to go into the temple with a whip & turn over the tables & not damage the people involved. Me, not so much.  

And with that I say: put a sock in all this us & them mentality!  

As well as, back to camping & fishing & hiking & family. Much less technology & tweeting. Unless it's pictures!! :) 

The One Where I {link up) for Five Minute Friday - Grateful

If you've heard me say it once  you've heard me say it forty times: #1000gifts.

Take the joy dare. 

Slow down to see the miracles. Because there's a little something special in every day.

I've written my three things sporadically over the past eight months, started on my birthday.  At first I wrote them faithfully, but then I didn't do it as often.  But I do it.  Every month is new I start up again.  :)

Here is a spattering of my #1000gifts

1. Life
2. Birthdays
3. Health
4. Pumpkin Lattes
5. Cake
6. Rain
7. End of Summer
8. Dishes
9. Laundry
10. Ezra 4

100. Fire
101. Burning Desire
102. Burned Dinner
103. Burning Bush
104. Sun
105. Muscles
106. Shared
107. Saved
108. Surrendered
109. Sweet Sweat
110. Leave It On The Pavement
I stopped counting in my journal and began on Instagram.  I really need to go back to the journal....

Three Things Hard:
Trust
Submission
Acceptance

Three Things Rising Up:
1. The sun with new mercy
2. The sun with new mercy
3. The sun with new mercy

Three gifts Stacked, Stashed, Stilled:
1. Dishes put away by the teenager
2. Chocolate
3. Quiet house in the morning... to go with my coffee

It's hard for me be to grateful, it really is.  Isn't that the jest of the garden.... of original sin..... ingratitude.  I'm ungrateful, for the smallest things... for the people around me who I love and adore (but they get on my nerves),  the fridge full of food (yet I can't find anything to eat), the music blasting on my stereo (and with Sirius XM, there's nothing good to listen to).

Todays Prompt Is: Three Gifts In The Dark

1. Sleep.  Must.Have.More! Yet grateful for good night's sleep!
2. RRC Track Workout.  I get up at 4AM to run in the dark on Tuesday.  I'm grateful for my running club that offers this kind of workout for my very low membership fee!
3. Stars.  You can't see stars unless it's dark.  There's beauty in that, both when you're looking and the stars and when it's dark in your life.  Look to the Morning Star! 

I've got to get better:  In counting my blessings. (and I don't mean stuff)In getting to 1000 gifts.  In slowing down to see the miracle.  So many things can go wrong in the course of a day, a week, a month... a life....  So many things that really in the scheme of things don't really matter.  What I was upset about last month, who can remember?  What about last year at this time?  Who knows? 

It's time to slow down to see the miracle, choose joy, pass joy onto others, teach our children to live with gratitude, not entitlement.  It starts with us.  It starts with me, the ungrateful.

The One Where I {link up} for Five Minute Friday - Friends

What a great topic.  

I'd say I have a lot of friends.  It's odd that at this stage in life I can say that.  I'm a runner and I'm a part of 3 running clubs so I know a lot of people.  But I only have 3 - 4 really good friends. 

Kat - I met her a small bible study group.  She stood up for me at my wedding.  We've been friends ever since.  I talk to her at least weekly.  We attend church together, eat together, run together, do life together, drink A LOT of coffee together!   I love her.  I love her like I love my sister.  Except she's like my older sister.  And as the oldest in my family, it's a treasure to have an "older sister".   She is beautiful and better yet, we share clothes and shoes and purses!!   She talks me off of the ledge when I'm just about over it about non sense and life.  We pray together and cry together.  Because I know her; I will be forever changed.  We were meant to be together.  She gets me.  She doesn't judge my craziness, she just loves me.  

Jen - although she's moved out of state now, I still talk to her weekly, sometimes daily.  We have children born a month apart.  Our kiddos have similar struggles, as do she and I.  We became fast friends when we met in Sunday School; 9 years ago.   She's taught me so much!  So much.  Like "everything's gonna be okay" particularly with my kiddo.  She's the first person who I met whose child has the same issue as mine.  I don't know how I would have gotten through elementary school without her!  If anything can get this momma to melt down it's her kiddo struggling in school life.  He struggles a lot, so melting down is common place around here.   And she listens to me rage against the machine!  And runs with me, and prays with me, and drink coffee with me, and does life with me.   My life is forever changed because I know her.  And she knows me.  She Knows Me!

My Runner Girls - they see my struggles, they pick me up, they encourage me, they push me, they believe in me.  We are a group of women with similar struggles, lives, goals.  The running keeps us going, but it's the life we're doing together that keeps us together.   It's the meals that show up at your door when you've come home from the hospital, it's the text that says "hey we missed you today, is everything okay." It's the understanding that today, not matter what's going on, we're gonna leave it all on the pavement.   We walk together, talk together, run together, grow together, encourage one another, cheer for one another, push, pull and carry one another to the start line of races and across the finish line… of life.  They believe in me when I don't.  And there's plenty of times I don't.  They believe in me anyway.  Encourage me anyway.  They know I'm capable of way more…. and push me to rise to the occasion!  Bless Them!!  They also like coffee, so there's that too!  :) 

It hasn't always been so… I haven't always had good friends.  I've struggled with acceptance and accepting.  But I've learned so much being in relationship with these women.  And drank many cups of coffee!! :)