The One Where God Knows My Shoe Size

She Reads Truth... these girls bring it every time.  Every.Time.  And I'm forced to look at the mess around me and I don't want to.

This is just where I am and where I am not.  Needing to repent of my repentance.  Wanted to be washed and yet soaking in a tub of my own striving and pride.  I see the ruins but don't acknowledge them as such.  I see it how I want it to be.  Living in the fiction or fantasy section of my heart. 

Yet the ruins are all around me.  I sit atop the rubble and......  I quit my job because of the toxic environment.....just in time for my teenagers depressed meltdown....just in time to not really want to deal with anything or anyone.   I've wanted to run away more as an adult than I ever did as a child and well, there are books and medication for my childhood.

So I sit here app in hand, coffee in hand, rending.... What I don't really know. 

Amanda. She's my soul sister. I see me...In her writing.  Yesterday she talked about avoiding.

I do that.   I avoid.

Because going through is too hard. And there are a lot of "what ifs" about getting to the other side.

And I take FDR literally when he says, The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' 

So I'm even afraid of fear.    

I don't want to go through. I just want to be on the other side.   I don't want to repent, I just want to be cleansed. I just want Calgon to take me away.   Oops did I really say it out loud?  Did you hear that? I thought it was just in my head. 

I don't want to look at the rubble around me, I want to see what was or what could be. Not what is. 

And so I lament. Wait? I lament? Nooooo.... This is where God takes a cue from Tom Jones and says, 'Act your age, not your shoe size' and I'm pretty sure He's familiar with my shoe size.

To lament means, to mourn, to grieve, to weep or wail, to express sorrow. 

I'm not lamenting.  I'm soooo totally not lamenting. 

I'm not mourning or even weeping.  I'm complaining.  

Why God Why? 

When God When? 

Woe is me 

Why is all of this so hard and when are You gonna fix things (to my standards) and make it a little more comfortable? A little more? Ha! I meant cushy and care-free.  You know the one... right the kind where Hello, My Name Is Child Of The One True King.  Where I sit on the throne and ask God to serve me.  I wear my tiara, the one I gave myself through works and order God around.

Not the one where I sit on the pile of rubble with Godly Grief. 

If I'm honest and when have you known me not to be I don't have Godly Grief. 

I have 'good grief'. 

As in 'good grief Charlie Brown' 

Five Minute Friday: Open

Open the flood gates of heaven!  We say that but do we mean it? Do we know what that would look like? Or only what we want it to look like? Prosperity, Goodness, Blessing, Overflowing Cups?

Open our eyes Lord, we want to see Jesus?  Do we? As He really is and not how we perceive Him to be?   Recently at the If: Gathering one of the speakers said (My BFF Jen Hatmaker): I thought I was confident in God, but I was just confident in my understanding of Him.

I would say only confident in my perception of who I want Him to be, not who He Is.

I say I want to be open.  Opening my hand to the poor, the widow and the orphaned.  Do I?  Why are my fists clenched.  It's not enough to SAY it!! I'm not talking about works here people... but again as my BFF Jen Hatmaker says: We have to stop blessing blessed people and serving the saved!  WOW.  That is from last years IF:Gathering and I'm still shaken by it.  Imagine what might happen if I listened to this years!  :)

What poor and widowed and orphaned do I know?  Oh yeah, my neighbors!  Across the street, next door, in my community.

Open.  My eyes, my hands, my heart.....

The One Where I Observe

Observe that I haven't had a post in oh... four months!  Observe that I've had week after week after month after month of striving.  Observe that I'm wrapped up in an anxiety ball of what I should be and who I could be. Observe that I am sick and tired of being tired.... there's an exhaustion in my soul that I can't shake. 

All this list making and striving and standing on the tips of my toes trying to measure up.... 

Then walks in Seven. A book that's been on my night stand for months.  I read it, it wrecked me.  In good ways, in bad ways, in frustrating way...like I don't live in Austin.  Jen Hatmaker and I aren't BFF, but she rents space in my head and maybe that's enough.  Who am I kidding?!  That IS NOT ENOUGH!   Maybe I should move?

Eat 7 Foods
Wear 7 items Clothes
Get rid of 7 Possessions. Every Day.
7 types of media, just no.  Tv, Gaming, FB, Tweets, iPhone apps, Radio, Texting, Internet (real phone calls only)
7 Habits for a greener life
7 Places your money goes (only) 
7 Sacred Pauses.  Finished this chapter just in time for Lent. 

Lent, that time of year when my husband announces that we aren't catholic.  DUH!  And I say you don't have to be catholic to observe Lent.  DUH! 

Jen bases this chapter on a book by the same name, Seven Sacred Pauses

Like Jen, I haven't been getting these done exactly, but I'm working on it. 

Enter Day 2 of the She Reads Truth Lent Study/Devotional, Whatever you want to call it.  And here is my "response" my pause today

[Insert deep breath here.] 

It’s no wonder we try to come to Him with layers of lies and pride and every other self-preservation instinct intact. It makes sense, right? Except it doesn’t… because Jesus.  ~~Amanda Williams

I needed to hear this. So much so that my jaw is sore from clenching it. Yea... So there's that. Hard week after hard week and the shame and the guilt and the striving. And the to do lists and the things to check off. 

And then there's the cross, the feet of Jesus beckoning me to just turn towards Him, lay it all down and exhale. 

Noah Webster in his original dictionary defines return as:

1. To come or go back to the same place. 
2. To come to the same state, as, to return from bondage to a state of freedom. 
6. To show fresh signs of mercy. 

Returnable: that may be returned or restored 

Returned: restored 

It is God who does the restoration work. We only turn in his direction.


And so I pause and make time for pauses, because I'm not giving up for/on Lent.  Unless you count sleep.  I'm getting up earlier to pause in the sacred silence.  To read, to pray, to lay it down. Because these burdens, I can't bear them and somewhere I think I've read I shouldn't be anyway. 

I'm observing a modified 7 over the next 6 weeks. 

02/22 begins "Clear The Clutter - Make Space" 
I will purge at least two items per day for 14 days.  Now that's fairly easy for me, not so much for my people, they could be hoarders.  Maybe I'll do this one for them.  I'm really excited to get the garage and attic cleaned out.  I like Becoming Minimalist Blog.  He said and I'm paraphrasing... if you need to buy more stuff to organize your existing stuff you have too much stuff. 

03/08 begins "Recycle, Reuse, Repurpose
Plastic, Paper, Cans, Cardboard 
Get a compost bin and experiment, hope to not attract varmint. 

03/22 begins "Phone Fast" 
Phone can be in use from 7AM - 7PM.  I've already begun this part. The teenager is grounded for life, so that'll help him, not sure about the hubs.  
I've taken Facebook off my phone and I don't access it during business hours. Thanks, Crystal Paine! 
Turned off at 7PM
Dinner at the table, I can hear them grumble now, but really do we need to see another rerun of Big Bang Theory? 
Read Lent Passages
Observe Sabbath, I may have to pull teeth and limbs for this, but it's only two weekends, they can do it!  

More Lent Ideas:
40 Ideas for Lent

The One Where I'm Surrounded.

Lately I've had conversions that are laced with tears and anxiety. Fear and worry.  But a new thing has happened.....

I'm part of a community that surrounds me with Truth, a soft place to land, encouragement for the journey, an ear, a shoulder to cry on, space to fall apart and people who don't recoil about it. 

I've had more than one person tell me I've inspired them. To keep going, don't give up. That they believe in me when I don't believe in myself.... Or anything.

Some of these people I've known for years, some for a few years, others only on line. 

This blog post from Amanda at SheReadsTruth http://shereadstruth.com/2014/10/14/stand/ really helped me to see I'm not alone and I've been trying my hardest to 'hold it together'.  This life, these kids, this marriage, this job, these chores, piles of laundry and dishes and things undone. 

I am undone and I'm finding out that undone is okay, I'm not holding it together. :)  

There at people and texts and phone calls and emails and meetings for coffee that tell me I don't have to hold it together. And it's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be in community. Sometimes that means surrounding others and other times it means being surrounded. 

Thankful I'm surrounded today. :) 

The One Where I'm Barely Holding On

I don't know where to begin. And I'm not sure where the beginning would be anyway.....

Stress Fracture. 

Stress. A mental strain or disruption. Emotional pressure suffered by a human being. 

Fracture. The act of breaking. Something that has broken. 

A stress fracture. I have a stress fracture in one of the smallest bones of the body. Yet in one of the most important places.  

You don't think about your big toe, the function it serves, the stability it gives you until it's gone. 

But it's smaller than that. These two bones called the sesamoids. They are basically the patella of the toe. A bone imbedded in the tendon.  They act like a pulley, providing a smooth surface for the tendons to glide over. They help the big toe move and provide stability when you 'push off' during running (or walking).  They are flat, disc/egg shaped about the size of a popcorn kernel. 

Yet when they don't work properly. It feels like you're walking on a popcorn kernel!! 

I love popcorn... This, not so much. 

I've been in the boot for 6 weeks. Had a follow up X-ray yesterday.  There's some healing. So there's that.  (Forces a smile) 

But it's not enough to get out of the boot or be active again. Or keep me from plumetting into a lower and lower depression and sense of hopelessness. 

Four more weeks in the boot and then another X-ray and then talk of surgery. I can't run again until there's no pain. If there's pain, stop and rest more and contemplate surgery. 

This is week one of four more weeks in the boot. 😞 

I have cried for 24 hours straight. I'm a blubbering depressed mess. 

Some may say... It's only running. What's the big deal. You'll run again someday. Be pateint. Keep your chin up.  Meh. 

Running keeps me sane. My world is usually on the cusp of spinning out of control at any moment. Running helps me get away. Shake it all off. Handle things better. I'm a better person because of running.  Running became my life partner five years ago.  Now it feels like running has moved away.

At first it was as if running went on a business trip, an interview in a new city. Now it feels like I've waved goodbye to a good friend pulling out of the drivenway.  

I don't have to stress out about life with running by my side.  Now what's left is life and stress and the stress of life with no relief. 

And I'm barely holding on. I'm barely getting through the day. One day down. Twenty-seven to go until I know if running is ever coming home. 

I assure you, I will never again pray to learn how to Be Still and Know.  Never. Ever. Again.  I don't want to be still. And this isn't the kind of still I had in mind.  For the record, I don't find this humorous.  Although I'm sure God is getting a good laugh. 

And Know.... And know what exactly? That life is one series of disappointments after another.... A lesson I'm becoming more familiar with every day. Every.Damn.Day. 

All that's left now is Disruption and Something that is Broken. 

The One Where I Say "Break The Mold!"

Let me begin with I'm a bad blogger.  I totally need a reminder to blog or something. I dunno, I tend to be a "subject matter" blogger.  I blog when I have something to say.

Today is one such day.

It's Fall Y'all in Texas.  Well it is for today anyway.  I should probably post pix of this... I won't because I need to dust.... but my house décor is "fall" related.  Oranges, purples, deep red hues.  Because I love Fall.  I was born in September and I think some of the best things  happen in September! 

Seasons change

Baseballs annual "Hunt for Red October" (is anyone else heartbroken over the way the A's have fallen apart, or how my Texas Rangers are in last place, when did we become "The Cubs" of baseball?)

Football season begins (Go Packers, Giants, Bears and Broncos - just cuz I'm in Texas doesn't mean I love the Cowboys...that's a blog for another day)

Oh and Seasons change.

I like the crispness of the air the way it ushers in a change in our focus.  Summer is over and we make this turn.... almost like a turn home after a long trip.  For me it's familiar, it's a settling in, a cozying up with a good book and a cool day kind of mentality.  It's not hurried. 

Noticing the décor in my kitchen today, as if I'd never seen it, I have these vines of leaves, on the tops of my cabinets, ya know where you put stuff, like greenery, plastic plants, decorative stuff that only gets dusted once a year. 

Anyway, the "greenery" at my house isn't so green, it's fall colors, red and orange and purple and hues that made me think of this place we're in as people.

These leaves are changing, alive and not dead, they haven't fallen to the ground, they are clinging to their life source.  They are fiery and bold and in your face, yet delicate and in process. 

Sometimes this happens in our own back yard, and other times we travel to see the beauty of the process.  There's an entire business of seeing this process and the viewers call it beautiful, breathtaking, phenomenal, vibrant, and beyond description.

Yet when that happens in life, when we're in process, we don't describe it much like that, do we?   We don't book vacations, charge the camera, pack a lunch, post to Instagram.  We don't marvel at it as though something beautiful happening before our very eyes.  Not in our self.  Not in others.

Stop and smell the roses they say!  I say Break The Mold!  Stop and watch the process of Fall, the delicate balance of becoming, the fragility of life, the boldness of clinging.  Notice it in yourself.  Be okay to proceed, become, cling.  Celebrate it in others.  Give them permission to proceed, become and the boldness to cling when needed.

Maybe to come on Instagram will be boring pictures of my stubborn Oak Tree, the one that is the last to lose it's leaves, still clinging to the old as buds of new life push them off and into the wind. 

Perhaps I'll have something more to say about it as we go into a new season.  :)  About the tree and maybe about me.

The One Where I Received The Message

So I've had that feeling lately. The one where I'm over connected and not connecting.  And I've seen two separate posts on Facebook about the aforementioned subject. 

The one that hit home the most was the craigslist ad by the NYC restaurant. 

http://news.distractify.com/culture/craigslist-surveillance-restaurant/?v=1

People (read: I) don't have common courtesy in this day and age. Taking pictures of food then complaining it's cold.  Bumping into one another, wasting the wait staffs time by taking photos. Not communicating, connecting with the person across the table, in the next chair, on the same couch.  Honestly what has the world come too? 

What has my world come to?  A group (or a few hundred) of friends I've never met.  Talking to people I have no real life connection with over the ones in the next room?  This shouldn't happen. This isn't how I grew up, made friends, kept friends for that matter. 

I feel like life has become like the esurance commercial with Beatrice. 

http://youtu.be/K5fn087Jk4I

At the end of the commercial it says, 'Welcome to the modern world'. 

There are lots of things in the modern world I'm very happy about. 

Electricity. 

Running water. 

Indoor plumbing. 

Dishwashers. 

Washing machines. 

Computers. 

Telecommuting. 

Cell phones. 

Smart phones too. 

But I feel like I'm trapped in a Wall-E of my own doing. Unsatisfied with the ordinary life going on around me because of the life less ordinary on this inches deep and wide screen. 

And it's not about envying or comparisons as much as it is not cultivating what's in front of me.  I can't click a 'like' button or 'unfollow' those around me.  

That stuff had to be worked out, hashed out, forgiven, loved deeply and so widely that it falls into open arms of acceptance, open mouths, eyes so open and connected to others that they hear you...

Hear you with the kind of listening you do in the dark of night and there's an unfamiliar noise in your house.  A pit of the soul that only comes from being connected with your surroundings and with the people that make life ordinary.  Ordinary in a way that is wonderful.  

Where when we share a meal it's in person, not on Instagram. When we're at a ballgame it's for the ambiance, the company we keep, the peanuts & laughter. (cuz if you're a Rangers fan in 2014, you're not there for the great pitching & home runs). Where 'checking in' means being checked in.  

I think it's time we (read: I) were more checked in.  I don't think the world will miss another status update, or tweet or mealtime photos. 

And in the words of Ferris Bueller: 

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

I don't want to miss it. So I'm signing off. 

Not completely, not permanently. But in a way that is more checked in. 

Maybe we'll enjoy the ambiance of baseball in Texas!